Note that there's stuff in here guaranteed to offend just about everybody. "You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe" -- marcus cole ----- "whatbborkware/www/writibs not to love about losing the best parts of ObjC for the pedantic parts of C++?" -- arwyn ----- "no, the lutheran god is just passive aggressive. he just feeds you donuts until you have a stroke" -- rzolf, regarding Smiting ----- "Core Data is pointless if you have a small amount of data, and unusable if you have a large amount of data, so it's effective only if you expect to have a medium amount of data and nothing else" -- mikeash ----- "some people, when presented with a problem, think, "I know, I'll use threads." now the3y ha problveem s." -- mikeash ----- "this is an album of what bass players with no friends do at home by themselves." -- rzolf ----- "i take the opposite position of most critics i think americans are the most robust and genetically superior people in the world to be able to even be alive after years of eating all the insane junk food that is available feed a diet of slim jims and cheetos to some wimpy european and they'll expire of consumption americans can get by with it until the bypass" -- rzolf ----- "the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the stupid and the tyrrany of idiots" -- mikeash ----- "The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." -- Richard Dawkins ----- "vi: two modes--one that inserts text, and another that corrupts all of your file as you type" -- awalker ----- "chess is pretty straightforward a bunch of preppy boys dancing around a board in vectors and obliques; meanwhile the B-2's have been in the air for 72 hours" -- lavalamp ----- "problem is that human capability falls along a bell curve and thus most people are idiots" -- mikeash ----- "don't let them fool you with that term 'leadership'. it's management pain where you're responsible for the fuckwhits they hire and get foisted upon you, have outrageous demands placed upon you and no resources to actually make it happen" -- dotplus ----- "Haven't you heard? The purpose of sex is to roll the dice in front of the invisible sky wizard, to decide whether you win a baby." -- eschaton ----- "one of the benefits of ADD. A few days is an awfully long time to care about.... oh, a cat!" -- redtoade ----- "If I had a penny for every time I heard the phrase 'oh, that's just syntactic sugar' I'd be knee deep in hookers and blow right now" -- schwatoo ----- "thank you for explaining the alpaca" -- L^2 ----- "So you can write Java code that's object-oriented but C-like using arrays, vectors, linked lists, hashtables, and a minimal sprinkling of classes. Or you can spend years creating mountains of class hierarchies and volumes of UML in a heroic effort to tell people stories about all the great code you're going to write someday." -- stevey ----- "For a presentation or a speech, you need your audience, otherwise it's just you in an empty room talking to no one in particular, and we already have a word for that... it's called writing." -- rands ----- "think of your 1.0 like your first date with your customers they don't NEED to know everything amazing about you but they CANT know anything freaky about you" -- dcj ----- "Never ask an Elf for advice, for he will say both 'Yes' and 'No'." -- an "Old Shire Saying" from Tolkein's *Fellowship of the Ring*. "Never ask the internet for advice, for it will say 'Yes', and 'No', and 'Porn'." -- found in a livejournal post several years ago, which I can't seem to locate now. ----- "coreaudio is 10% documentation, 90% perspiration" -- dcj ----- "for security reasons, I never keep any 2 of Jasik Debugger, Retrospect, and Quark on the same HD, for fear they might cross-breed" -- Murr ----- "it is just like anything else in life. you get better by cheating." -- dcj ----- "scripts are just VM layers with really, *really* wordy bytecode" -- mikeash ----- "I bet I could write a fairly good ObjC reference manual in less space than that C++ const correctness FAQ" -- mikeash ----- "well compilation is effectively a fairly branch ridden serial integer task... a task which PPC is known to blow goats at" -- feelgood ----- "the nature of programming is learning new ways to express the same thing (be that new languages, new apis, or new UI elements =) )" -- rincewind ----- "you might consider joining your mother in her chosen profession" -- rudy ----- "if you accept that programming is merely the art of debugging an empty file, then software exists merely to work around bugs in hardware" -- mikeash ----- "honestly, the *most* common problem is being a fuckwit" -- mikeash ----- "so my plan for tech books is to just make dover sized volumes that contain only code listings, made out of flammable material." -- rzolf ----- "man, Ruby is the only thing that makes sense. I took it down the highway, and no monkeys came over! LOL! ;-)" -- Oleg Yoytmarr ----- " Xgl on this system with it's crappy i945 graphics card makes me sad. it's like running OSX on a G3 It's like riding a bike when you own a car. it's like getting an iced coffee when you wanted a coffee slurpee It's like smashing your hand in a car door when you wanted ice cream. it's like getting killed in many horrible ways when you just wanted a hug It's like bad when you wanted good. it's like bud when you wanted something that doesn't suck It's like pepsi when you wanted coke. it's like running vi and finding out it's been aliased to vim." ----- "with most conversation, there's a metaphorical line in the sand of what's kosher and what's not. I'm glad you have no respect for that line, regardless of how silly your puns are ;) " -- rtyler to someone who is not me ----- "Sembiance> And does 'XCode' come with OS X? or do I need to buy some sort of special developer version?" mikeash> I wouldn't call it a choice unless there's an alternative" ----- "Buahahahaha. It's situations like this that separate the true programmers from the sane people." -- Ahruman ----- "why not compute hull in zope? ;-) lol!" -- Oleg Yoytmarr ----- "Section names for sections created from files are not allowed to overlap with a section name in the same segment as a section coming from an object file." -- ld manpage, OS X 10.4 ----- "listen to a man's question, he will annoy you today; answer it, and he will annoy you for the rest of his life" -- mikeash ----- "i'm waiting for snackpack mountain myself : a tale of two nabisco marketing executives trapped in a warehouse filled with nearly-expired lunchables" -- rzolf ---- "BRUBECK MOUNTAIN: A TALE OF TWO EFFETE JAZZ AFICIONADOS TRAPPED WITH ONLY ONE LP IN THE HIGH PLAINS OF WYOMING" -- rzolf ---- "so your question is retarded" -- snu ----- "this example you gave is ridiculously trivial, if you really can't get it then you have no business programming" -- Eridius ----- "I only learned enough Java to know that I should stay away from it. (didn't get to know it well enough to truly hate it)" -- Kaiser Szuhay ----- "As I *am* getting older, here is my advice for the young ones on the list: Show up. Enjoy. Reflect. Love. Share. Forgive. Believe in the abundance. Do good work. Laugh. Learn." -- Aaron Hillegass ----- "the correct answer, as usual, is to give up on applescript and become a monk" -- mikeash ----- "yes, [web 2.0 is] a candy store where instead of sugar, water, and food coloring, the Candyman used poop" -- zbir ----- "Annoying endorsements will be deleted if you're lucky, if you're not a whole bunch of people smarter and more articulate than you will ridicule you, and we will leave such ridicule in place." -- Flutterby comment policty ----- "In my book, clutter for an engineer is never a warning sign. Some of the most interesting and productive engineers have disasters areas for work spaces." -- Rands ----- "If you don't watch TV, I can't help you." -- Verizon DSL Tech Support ----- "But hey gang, if I could draw hentai for your sins, I would. For god so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son to draw tentacle raped dickgirls that who so ever shall masturbate to them will not perish but enjoy everlasting orgasm." -- gastly ----- "Tim sent me a text like an hour ago saying he doesnt want to go to pop scene. He wont answer his phone. Oh and i have jury duty." -- shezolf ----- "Every well-designed architecture you create will be discarded without being exploited. Every quick & dirty hack you write will last for years." -- grob ----- "If you're having a hard time telling Mike and I apart, I'm the one pointing out your logical and rhetorical shortcomings, while he's the one calling you a fucking moron." -- Skirwan ----- "Write Once, Run Away!" -- mikeash ----- "ObjC++ is just Objective-C and C++ after they had carnal relations and produced a horribly malformed bastard child" -- mikeash ----- "Like many half-assed 30 year old programmers with unwarranted egos, I'm stuck in the position where everything I'm able to do is completely beneath me, and anything worth doing is beyond my capacity." -- rzolf ----- "Caramel Treat, Good to eat, Butter and sugar, Tasty and neat Caramel Treat, Chewy and sweet, Sticks to my teeth, Chewing... becomes harder The more I chew... The tighter my teeth, Are locked together(!) Frozen, fused together The caramel was a Sabotage" -- Roast Beef Kazenzakis ----- "The blogger's philosophy goes something like this: Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head." -- Scott Adams ----- "if they see, 'five years Java experience, shipped several projects', all they can really know from that is that the candidate saw a Java book at least once in the last five years, and that he once worked at the Post Office" -- mikeash ----- "then there was our disasterous adventure in brewing caffeinated beer" -- arwyn ----- "It's like working QA on the line at a bagel company but all the bagels going past you are shaped like hammers and sickles and you're not sure if you should say anything or just let the machines do their work." -- Molly Sanders ----- "don't be evil unless you know how" -- AngryLuke ----- "stop being a retard" -- snu ----- "That's one of the nice things about living in Cleveland: visiting just about any other city in the US a really cool experience." -- Alex Papadimoulis ----- "One of the teasers beforehand was for Dukes of Hazzard. I admit, I enjoyed the few times I saw the TV show when I was a kid, and then when I moved to Chattanooga [Tennessee] I realized that it wasn't so much a satire as a documentary" -- Dan Lyke ----- "When we screw up, somebody always forgives us. And we move on. Thats how we acquire wisdom. " -- Sean Furey ----- "[Slashdot] is living proof of emergent behavior... get enough reasonably smart people together on a single web forum, and group idiocy emerges." -- arwyn ----- "Unfortunately [C++]'s power and flexibility leads to confusion, as you can no longer tell if << means shift left, write to output, or format hard drive." -- John Bayko ----- "Every time I think about the immigration issue, I end up thinking that illegal immigrants are exactly the sort of folks we need: They're the ones who are bad-ass enough to crawl under the barbed-wire and across the desert so that they can *work*." -- Dan Lyke ----- "If Wal*Mart tried to sell high quality goods, their costs would go up and their whole cheap advantage would be lost. For example if they tried to sell a tube sock that can withstand the unusual rigors of, say, being washed in a washing machine, they'd have to use all kinds of expensive components, like, say, cotton, and the cost for every single sock would go up." -- Joel Splosky ----- 'Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a "light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt out, it's because they're full.' -- Ceph ----- "[podcasting:] imagine slashdot meets wayne's world" -- rzolf ----- "when i was doing java coding, we'd get it working really well on Sun's java and Apple's java, and then strip out the functionality that was just plain broken in Microsoft's java" -- funck ----- "Check out my javascript library for displaying html elements on a web page. No longer do you have to write <h1> title <h1>. Now you can write <script>forElement('H1',render(titleElement) upon Release++; forEach.element);</script>" -- rzolf ----- "The command-line is a perfectly intuitive user-interface... as long as you already know what you want to do" -- Dan Lyke ----- "The difference with Microsoft is that they don't need business partners, so their dopey ideas get no backpressure before they're foisted on the public at large." -- td ----- "If i may, to compare cock sizes, i'm more capable in English writing and know more about general linguistics, than all of you on this list combined, if i may say so myself." -- Xah Lee ----- "and I do agree that the C++ type system looks like it's the designed by an S&M dominatrix" -- loke ----- "If someone says they have never made a mistake, that means they're either God, or they're lying. Both are pretty scary." -- wmoran ----- "your images of humansky midgets puppy-piling destroyed my appetite" -- duncan ----- " I don't know nothin' about birthin ' no babies. that's like a triple negative? well, no it's a double negative about a process, which is birthin' no babies a triple negative would be nobody don't know nothing about birthin no babies. birthin' no babies is a negative for birthin' babies. yes, but it's a subclause subclause my ass.." ----- "programmer types tend to either have wry and sophisticated senses of humor, or else intolerably horrible senses of humor. its either achewood or diesel sweeties." -- rzolf ----- "I'm using Design Patterns. In particular, the I Love Everything Especially Ruby and YOU pattern! :D" -- Oleg Yoytmarr ----- "the people in charge in Iran are almost as fundie fucktard crazy as Bush and his neocon spankmonkeys. Almost." -- GoogleKreme ----- "so i guess i better re-iterate my top 5 things I hate about open source anything 1. gushing about some pile of source code 2. people who post to the blog/forum with comments like "i would LOVE to see this feature. I CAN'T WAIT!" (just add the feature yourself, doorknob) 3. the previous poster who spent 20 minutes writing a blog entry about a feature that could be implemented in an hour 4. weird posts about "what are we going to do to MARKET this?" market what? get more people to download? so you have a bigger group of people to give you headaches while you make no money? 5. junior bureaucrats who join in because they want to start forming "governance" bodies and other unnecessary time wastes and finally 6. Me aiming a top-5 list when i could be doing something worthwhile" -- rzolf ----- "With the second line of code, you already have a legacy" -- Kent Beck ----- "Enterprise software is software that gets sold to a so-called enterprise. If you know English well, you might think an 'enterprise' is something brave, noble, and dangerous, like starting a small business, but in this case, "enterprise" is used to mean the opposite: it means a large, risk-averse company, whose executives use the term to flatter themselves by pretending that they're engaged in something brave, noble, and dangerous." -- Kragen Sitaker ----- "not knowing how to use the right tool is not a good reason to use the wrong tool" -- mikeash ----- "[microsoft] has a history of massively, uh, in-depth interviews that ask all sorts of massively technical complicated esoteric shit... which usually scares away people with real, practical ability... and lets the non-real-world-capable academic types thru in droves" -- arwyn ----- "I think you might agree that religion is one part inheritance and one part emotional problems." -- Roast Beef Kazenzaki ----- "funny, I normally place 'lack of tentacles' high on my list of priorities when choosing financial instruments" -- mikeash ----- "The Good Life Coop introduced us to a wonderful concept for communication: Desperanto. Desperanto is the language you speak in foreign countries after your high school and college language courses have faded into phrases like 'Ou est la plume de ma tante?' and the ability to remember the Spanish word for spoon. The Desperanto theory is that any combination of Romance languages, when spoken in earnest and with a smile, will be understood by people around the Mediterranean. Amazingly it works well, even better than speaking English slowly and loud." -- Grand Rapper E/D ----- "awacs: you need to stop thinking in those terms ('I have no clue', 'I don't get it', etc.) as it impedes you from generating ideas about what might be causing the behavior your observe." -- PerlJam ----- "cnn says that the pope got his last rites i mean..Im not religious.. but I would party with him" -- human39 ----- "procrastination is the rock solid foundation underlying my development process" -- PantherMachina ----- "why do people argue about the GPL? that's like arguing about extended warranties" -- rzolf ----- "markd2: ChumKrobber uses bindings rzolf: KROB FARMER! markd2: KLAM HAXOR rzolf: HAM STACKER! markd2: SLAM SNACKER rzolf: CLAM RANCHER! must....stop markd2: SHAZZAM BLANCHER rzolf: woah blanched shazzams would be pretty good right now. blanched in a white wine sauce" ----- "major advances in technology all but destory the society that spawns them." -- ibillings ----- "y'know something, I just realized I'm not too against the recent conservitive agenda to make all sex-ed in schools abstinence-only. Because, then these kids are going to end up having kids early, and often so by the time I need to retire, the boom in population will pay for my social security checks." -- ibillings ----- "oh wait. the same people who are against sex-ed are also trying to eliminate social security. Blast." -- ibillings ----- "the amount of advance planning about nitpicky details is inversely proportional to the chance of finishing the project" -- mikeash ----- "I am the sun... the moon... the stars.... I am the celestial opposite of the Chicken McNugget." ----- "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards; for you are crunchy, and good with ketchup!" ----- "Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." -- Brian W. Kernighan ----- "the ease with which a language allows you to solve easy problems is not interesting" -- mikeash ----- "If people had fixed or resolved a bug for every post they'd made in this thread, we'd have over a hundred fewer open bugs in our bug database ..." -- Dhogaza ----- "My name is Brak! That's Hawaiian for FISH FOOD!" -- Brak ----- "God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him." -- crazy erin ----- "the level of discourse on the internet has now reached a level where i cannot tell the difference between trolls pretending to be dumb and actual dumb people" -- rzolf ----- "i mean, it is too bad that islam is the religion of stupidity and terror , because they have some cool features. like stylin' arabic script" -- ConsolidatedMan ----- "If you like Domo-kun. He will always be your Domo. For Enjoying! But, sometimes, if you love Domo too much. You will Die." -- NippoRzolf ----- "one thing about mysql is that all of the standard command line things are beyond unintuitive. it is evidence for a theory of mass psychology i am developing. by making easy and necessary tasks difficult to figure out, it makes stupid people think they've accomplished a lot. and since there are many more stupid people, it really takes off. because they are all jazzed. 'woah i figured out how to add a user' 'now time to add the 2 tables i am using" -- rzolf ----- "the key is to embrace all the insanity of perl, and it will make you a better person." -- rzolf ----- "Yes, I do love women but you can/should only go so far when you've made this big promise to one woman in front of God and everybody." -- kaiser szhuay ----- "human39, cheer up. Look at it this way: in thirty years you're most likely going to be dead anyway." -- redtoade ----- "no, well. LOL. 100% height.... might not be so possible. maybe java script!" -- Oleg Yoytmarr ----- "It's okay to be dumb, Little Nephew. The world will always need people who buy magazines about car stereos" -- Teodore ----- "When teaching people how to program, you want to do it in the simplest language possible. BASIC fits. (Java doesn't, which is why an Intro. to Programming taught in Java is the end of the world)." -- Dossy ----- "it's just easier for one to ignore the truth sometimes" -- gonffen ----- "Religion is that internal mechanism whose function is to fill in the gaps between what is easily proved and what is easily believed." -- redtoade ----- "What makes you so self-centered as to think there is a reason for your existence? Why, you ask? Why not? There is no 'why' because 'why' is a infant's question. Most children outgrow that around 7 years old, don't you think it's about time you did so as well?" -- Kreme ----- "i mean its cool that it [java] is cross platform, but its not something that give me a hardon" -- shank ----- "I've always found Christianity to be particularly ghoulish. Apart from worshipping a tortured corpse, there's all the cannibalism. Hardly sets a good example." -- Matt Johnson ----- "The Mac Plus is a lot lighter to carry around than an SGI Display, plus it makes a happy beeping sound." -- billings ----- "I know there are a gazillion web based groupware projects but while we're discussing that X11 apps look like 'fucking cock', web based interfaces invariably look like 'ass-fucking cock'" -- Matt Johnston ----- "I'm sure jesus is giving mind reading abilities to the FBI, but everyone else who sees the future is getting it from SATAN" -- rzolf ----- "most CS guys have no clue how boring they are -- they can't read the body language of the audience and they have an almost-autistic fascination with boring crap." -- billings ----- "with nothing better to do, 1/3 of the population will worry about honeybees and chicken broth and crystal healing. 1/3 will get into nascar, church, soft-core pornography, country music, and support the torture of brown people. and the other 1/3 will become obsessed with ipods, designer sneakers, BMWs, master's degrees, blogs, etc" -- rzolf ----- "ObjC++ also allows you to create an incredible menagerie of abominations such as the world has never seen" -- mikeash ----- "Yep. The US attitude to free speech is like their attitude to democracy, food and football. They are big fans, but they just don't get it." -- David Cake ----- "I'd much rather that people could stand up and thank god, or hail satan, or thank their coven, or thank their drug dealer lover for all the great oral sex and pills that got them through a hard time. Or even thank Ayn Rand for giving them to courage to claim all the credit for themselves - more acceptance speeches should be like Gollums MTV Awards speech, it would be more honest." -- David Cake ----- "In fact, I believe that if a student had a very solid, secular science training, and a neutral religious history education we'd be a little better off all around... instead there are jackasses who want to mix the two, or ban one or the other." -- Roger Howard ----- "can anybody give me java code and explanation about rainforest algorithm related to decision tree on machine learning. Thanks Before" -- DBMaster ----- "I never understood the logic of God. You know, He's up there being all judgemental, giving us freedom to choose in our minds but in the end if we don't believe in Him anyways he send us to Hell. We have to believe in him without any real proof of His existence or anything. What an asshole." -- hardartist ----- "I am convinced that the only purpose IRC help channels serve is to provide a sheltered environment for those freaks of nature too socially, physically or emotionally warped to endure face to face human contact" -- redtoade ----- "legal music on the internet is like a CD bin at a turnpike gas station." -- redtoade ----- "most people who do anything are idiots because most people are idiots" -- duncanh ----- "...kibbles don't sniffle." -- jebuspwns ----- "the summer is the worst time to go nipple hub shopping" -- shank ----- "the worst software atrocities tend to happen when people use a tool for what its not good for" -- arwyn ----- "for instance, many programmer. they do not like the SQL. why SQL when an object is the way to program? IF you like the style involving tight OO, try wang-murmur? ! lol." -- Oleg Yoytmarr ----- "I never noticed til now that meme is pronounced just like the French say mime, and is nearly as annoying in concept." -- grand Rapper E.D. ----- "Yah, ZODB without a class is not programming at all. And malicious things do happen intentionally. IF you want programs tight, perhaps one couldn't be using Zope, no? Well cheers, tomorrow's the time for when we deliver the pastries. ;-)" -- Oleg Yoytmarr ----- "If you look at all of the products of Gen X, they really only have one thing in common: a deep loathing for the establishment gently wrapped in sardonic wit." -- redtoade ----- "It's a sad sad day when the best and brightest of America lack the cognitive ability to distinguish cynisicm and conservatism." -- redtoade ----- "there's nothing wrong with believing in something bigger than yourself, just don't ever trust someone that NEEDS to." -- redtoade ----- "Build a man a fire and he is warm for a night, set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of life." -- Terry Pratchet ----- "How many cultures have persisted through the millenia by just kicking back, relaxing and waiting out each new over-acheiving empire? Hmmm... The Spanish survived the Romans, the Ottomans, the Germans, and will probably survive the Americans..." -- ebradway ----- "'Peace.' That brief but glorious time where everyone stops to reload." -- Donaldson ----- "Nothing's going to get better until something breaks the illusion that Microsoft and Dell have all the good ideas. The idea that Windows is 'good enough' is insanity." -- Scott Stevenson ----- "This idea of killing the unbelievers... I just fundamentally have trouble with the idea of a creator of all existence making humans, and then asking them to go kill each other. Why make them in the first place? Can any sane person imagine having children, and telling them to fight each other to the death?" -- Scott Stevenson ----- "I don't mind people making mistakes, I just wish they'd make new ones." -- redtoade ----- "It's rare to remember a task completed without mishap, therefore only when one makes mistakes does one learn anything." -- redtoade ----- "I am Dyslexix of Borg. Your ass will be laminated." ----- "My experience with CSS has been thus: It's a really nifty tool when it works, and it's the biggest, most painful wart on the ass when it doesn't." -- Shawn ----- "Another reason to not wear ties: they not only constrict your carotids, they can stimulate vagal nerve response. Your heart rate will bottom out and could lead to cardiac arrest. What a small, sad way to die." -- Susan ----- "Hey Rocky! watch me pull a hamster out of my ass!" "That trick never works!" ----- "inside jokes amongst friends serve as a sort of hash table mechanism for memories." -- zman ----- "I'm not suggesting radical change, but I think more intuitive suggestions for performance of even older music could be accomplished by the addition of color, texture and other cues to printed parts. I think I would know what to do if a bassoon part suggested that I play it brown and furry...." -- Jim Katz ----- "it may be mildly inappropriate to refer to anyone who actually is selling girl scout cookies as a 'motherfucker'." -- Keanon ----- "No matter how good we are, we need to be aware. Aware of our goals. Aware of our tools. Aware of our environment. And most important, aware of our habits and processes." -- Steve Litt ----- "When faced with an antogonist who spouts only close minded nonsense, your only possible utterance can ever be, 'Oh, you're one of them. Nevermind.'" -- redtoade ----- "Why is it that it seems the only people promoting Microsoft seem to be making money with Microsoft?" -- redtoade ----- "The omniscient have no perspective" -- redtoade ----- "Many computers and computer applications are just so bad they often leave those who learn them with permanent emotional scars." -- David Cake ----- "The FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the NBA, the NFL, the NHL, the ADSL, the ICANN, the NFR, the NPR, the KKK, the KGB.... who cares!? It's a all big conspiracy!!! DIE! DIE! DIE!" -- Jesus Diaz ----- "i dream of a nation where all of the trailer parks are replaced with beautiful landscapes scattered with yurts" -- BethLynn ----- "there's no i in yurt, but there's a place for you" -- BethLynn ----- "This just gives credence to my thought that for any process W or device X, you'll find person Y who never had a problem with it and person Z who says it causes cancer." -- jo2y ----- "Java cleverly blends the complexity of C++ with the execution speed of Smalltalk and the elegance of DOS." -- tblanchard ----- "it's like playing an instrument with a hot pepper in your ass" -- Yon ----- "Three words that do not belong together - fuzzy chunky eggnog" -- BurpingCheetah ----- "I often think the dominant life form in the US is the automobile, and we humans are merely its reproductive organs." -- Joe Delta ----- "running a service - any service - on the internet is like putting a child with a hammer in a room full of coloured eggs and telling them not to break any." -- Matthew Hunt ----- "keep those SQUIRRELS away from my POCKET FISHERMAN!" -- Billings ----- "Evil people live happier lives, they make more money, and they get all the good tax breaks" -- Jeff Vogel ----- "It was nature that invented velcro, some guy just ported it to plastic" -- Billings ----- "If it weren't such a stupid idea, I'd totally change my name to Moby Stannard right now." -- ESD ----- "Man. Things are so clear after 9 mountain dews and being up for 24 hours. Not as good as the time I stayed up 7 days straight though. That was a religious experiance man. God looks like Max Headroom, man." -- Turlock ----- "Theoretically, nuclear power could be a big step towards solving our power issues, but the same can be said of multi-tier web architectures that are written in strongly typed object oriented languages with excellent XML integration. They both sound like great ideas, but no one's been able to implement them without screwing the pooch once or twice." -- Talli Somekh ----- "If you wonder why there are no more miracles as in the Biblical days, it's because we lock our prophets up in mental hospitals." -- Michael David Crawford ----- "One out of three people is mentally ill. Ask two friends how they're doing. If they say they're OK, then you're it." ----- "Hitting age 50 and realizing that you've never pursued your dreams is one of the great horrors of the human condition. And totally inexcusable. Not following your passions is the greatest sin you can commit, it means surrendering the fire of your ambitions to the fears of other people. It's psychological treason." -- jms ----- "Writing is speaking on the page, nothing more, nothing less; it's saying precisely what you mean to say, as clearly as possible. " -- jms ----- "The End Time has begun. The world is being overrun by retards. We've made everything so safe and childproof we've upset the natural selection process. Stupid people arent dying as much. And now. Now we cannot go back. Too many of the stupid people are intergrated into our ruling class. The rich. The famous. We are doomed. But do not worry. We still have time." --turlock ----- "now, if you start screwing around with signal amplifiers, I wouldn't suggest pointing them at your crotch." -- billings ----- "I keep forgetting that 'cow' is gender specific" ----- "apathy! apathy is our cry A-P-aaa forget it." -- jo2y ----- "Arschgeige, of course, is German for 'ass violin'" -- chunks ----- "I guess in Spanish, 'OOP' is 'POO'" -- rzolf ----- "So why does volunteering work? Because only successful people tend to volunteer. Unsuccessful people don't volunteer -- they complain instead." -- Steve Pavlina ----- "I think pineapple will be the master and the other fruit will be the slave, is that ok?" -- BlueKanary ----- "and i do not see any invisible text." -- davb ----- "If that job was left to me, it would only be a matter of time before my daughter was dirty at the same time as the dishwasher was empty, and I would get a great idea for how to save a little time." -- Jeff Vogel ----- "TCL made me want to kill other people. Java, however, makes me want to kill myself. There is a profound psychology PhD thesis in the making." -- rzolf ----- "If she hasn"t been inoculated by figuring out that there's no 'Santa', 'Easter Bunny', 'Tooth Fairy', or 'Yoda', how will my poor darling do when she has to figure out if there is a 'God'." -- Jeff Vogel ----- "But with kids around, you get to fill the house with chocolate and hard-boiled eggs! I love hard-boiled eggs! Now that we have Cordelia, I may actually start paying attention to Easter again! Now refresh my memory. That's the day the holy rabbit got nailed to a cross, right? Those wacky Romans." -- Jeff Vogel ----- "Thus far, we have assumed that everything works perfectly; our programs compile and run just as we imagined. Now let's consider reality." -- Edward Angel ----- "However, you will find that your inability to solve triangles will be your downfall!" -- the Gremlin of Carmorra ----- "I didn't want to try it at first, but they forced me. "Do this or else!" This was worse than peer pressure. They had power over me. They told me where to sit, when to eat and even when I permitted to go to the bathroom. I was helpless. My parents even approved of their actions, and now I fear I'm addicted. I just can't stop reading. Damn my second grade teachers!" -- jo2y ----- "well, we're talking about java here. where you can have a system with 1000x the codebase of DOOM, which implements 1/10th the functionality of the arsdigita remindme service." -- rzolf ----- "The Colossal Man had a Colossal tummy ache from all that cafeteria food. At the theater, he took a Colossal dump. He called it Die Another Day." -- Filthy Critic ----- "It can't be an insult if it's accurate" -- redtoade ----- "I like to use it to post my pictures," the Prince of Darkness said, pulling up his home page on his PowerBook. "See, here's me during the Black Plague. Here's me during the Spanish Inquisition. Here's me in the Killing Fields in Cambodia. Here's me at the Microsoft verdict." -- John Moltz ----- "I'm sure you're probably interested in hearing our analysis of the new laptops that were announced yesterday, but it's hard to concentrate on that when there's a naked energy being running around yelling 'Wheeeeeeeeee! Ha-ha! Whoooo-hooooo!'" -- John Moltz ----- "Unlike the majority of the Unix peanut gallery, I consider a case-insensitive, case-preserving file system a screaming feature, not a bug. If you have two distinct files which differ only in case, you're a pinhead and deserve to lose." -- jwz ----- "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- Matt Cartmill ----- "my theory is that laptops are partially powered by human souls." -- rzolf ----- "that seems impossible, or at least very hard, to do the following: 1. anything" -- rzolf ----- "I love it! Millions of dollars of R&D and countless hours of hard work were put in by great minds so we can have technology such as the internet. All of this so we can watch Viking kittens singing Led Zep." -- thirdrail ----- "i am the CODE TURKEY" -- rzolf ----- X "The best thing about having a baby is that you can pinch her cute, soft, chubby cheeks freely and without fear of reprisal. When I pinch Cordelia's cheeks and say "Oooooh! OOOOOHHHH!!! Chubbbbby cheeeeeeeks! CHUBBBBBBY CHEEEEEEEEKS!", she just looks sad. When I try to do the same thing to my wife, she sprains my wrist." -- Jeff Vogel ----- "We adults are complicated machines, which a wide variety of settings (sleepings, exercising, watching porn, preying on the weak, etc.). Babies on the other hand, spend the vast majority of their time either i) sleeping, ii) eating, or iii) bitching. Behaviorally, they're a lot like sheep, but without the keen, piercing intelligence. Or the ability to move." -- Jeff Vogel ----- "It is my firm belief that there is no belief so asinine, no course of action so bizarre, that it can not have a half dozen web sites strongly devoted to its practice. If their maintainers ever learned to check their spelling, we might be in real trouble." -- Jeff Vogel ----- "[C++] templates can be really sweet - unfortunately WRITING THEM sucks dog-nuts." -- PoppaVic ----- "s/applications/solutions/ if you are a manager." -- jo2y ----- X "This manual page is still confusing." -- man sigvec(2) / BSD ----- "Well, the fun thing of not having kids for sale is that it gives you the opportunity to _make_ them." -- Jesus (Blanco) ----- "That's like porn for the blind". ----- "Anyway kids, have fun, play nicely, be good. And remember - if it ain't broke, hit it again." -- Foon ----- "vanity is such an underexploited web market segment as compared to, say, lust or avarice." -- Steve O ----- "hey, cool, if you fake your own death student loans are forgiven" -- Denshi ----- "As a living personification of the American dream, She (martha stewart) strides over the sterile, frozen landscape like some Episcopalian AT-AT walker, shooting laser beams at lesser mortals." -- Tristan Trout ----- "there is a place in hell for anyone trying to talk religion while others program." -- PoppaVic ----- "after working on apache2, aolserver is stunning in its clarity" -- Denshi ----- X "Anytime. Start an S Corporation and get QuickBooks Pro are your first two steps. And uniforms. Have someone who's worked on B5 design some uniforms. With prosthetics. That will 'set you apart' in the marketspace." -- Shawn, on Consulting ----- "Saying Linux is more secure than Windows is like saying that an Opossum is a cleaner animal than a dung beetle" -- Jim Quick ----- Jedi 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten elf-looking dude George Lucas so that all those who dress like his characters in movie line-ups would not get laid, but have eternal virginity" -- "SpaceMoose"@fark ----- "That's almost clever. But it misses clever and hits goddamn stupid dead centre" -- Casilero ----- "I'm sure there are a million soiled pairs of Spiderman Underoos stretched to the breaking point over the lardasses of collectors, fanboys and geeks this week. Spiderman, for many of them, is the culmination of a lifetime of waiting and virginity." -- The Filthy Critic ----- "yeah. refillmyglass. he's a big greaser. he hammed the loafgrease into shapes.app." -- rzolf ----- X "This movie has the magical ability to make no sense and yet still be entirely predictable." -- The Filthy Critic, on "Blade II" ----- "i have many thoughts. some of them involve dragons and midgets, but mostly they're about spiderman and how he stole my act" -- Talli ----- "Another difference [between journailsts and bloggers] is that bloggers can't afford to be drunk off their asses five evenings per week, the blog tends to suffer." -- anser ----- "markd2, you've gotten decidely less weird since you had your antlers removed" -- talilee ----- "That's how I decided to start Crazy Apple Rumors Site. Actually, it's a much longer story than that. I'm leaving out the whole car chase, the battle with the ninja warriors and the spiritual journey that culminated in meeting the Entity for the first time at the Waffle House in Lancaster, PA." -- John Moltz ----- "Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the special olympics... ...even if you win, you're still a retard! " -- YelM3 ----- "But most importantly, the Java community is almost TOO big. Its full of good ideas, good startpoints and lots of clever people doing their 'thing'. Unfortunately I did find that it lacks coordination and too much software is re-inventing wheels, or just never really gets finished." -- Simon Millward ----- "Many people who loved Lord of the Rings made an extra effort to tell me they weren't fanboys or fangirls. No, not yet, but this movie is a gateway drug. Within a couple years you'll be reenacting scenes with pewter figurines, drinking Mountain Dew and joining your friends' when they quote dialog from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This movie is to fantasy what the Watch Tower is to Jehovah's Witnesses." -- the Filthy Critic ----- "Those that can't do, teach Those that can't teach, hire" -- s0ckmo0nk3y ----- " i would hate to know your interpretation of cybersex cybersex isn't interpreted, it's compiled" -- #openacs ----- "I clearly have no useful comments, but as people around here know, I like watching myself type. That's why I've replaced my laptop screen with a mirror. Makes it hell to know what I've typed, which may be why things end up the way they do sometimes." -- GregH ----- "In the old days, accidentally introducing an O(N**2) (or worse) algorithm into your code would be something you'd notice immediately. But nowadays, machines are so bloody fast that this can be easily overlooked." -- Ben Haller ----- "at some point life comes down to "who would I rather spend an evening at a party with". As much as I may abhor Walker's politics, I'd bet at least he's got interesting stories. I mean, heck, I've had interesting party conversation with socialists, and they've got similar agendas about oppression and conformance. Anyone trying to scam Xanax is just taking up space. As users of recreational drugs go, I'd rather hang out with meth-heads." -- Dan Lyke ----- "Bringing the discussion back to gospel, (and the Onion), Gospel music wouldn't even be remotely interesting without the the lyrics claiming that Jesus's blood is on your hands (and don't forget, it IS on YOUR hands). Gangsta rap is not really that much fun to listen to without the glocks and hos, ted nugent isn't fun to listen to without militias and bowhunting, and carmina burana isn't fun to listen to without the nuns and monks getting busy. Kenny G going platinum means there are millions of culturally neutral philistine killjoys running around, something I find far more distressing than the occasional lyric about something I don't believe in. The point the onion was trying to make, is that white atheist grad students are dorks, and black gospel choirs are cool. No matter what you believe, it is hard to argue with that." -- rzolf ----- X "So, to place your orders for this unique hairy animal, send $19.95 plus all your base to I_want_to_have_got_a_monkeybot@wplug.org, and we'll ship your Monkeybot out the same day we receive your order!" -- evanD ----- "One of the things that really bothers me about the comments is how many of the people attended one meeting, just to be scared off by the regulars, who are either unfriendly to newbies, or just scary in their geekiness. I think that our LUG suffers from this at times." -- billings ----- "The flight itself was uneventful except when the man sitting next to me yanked off his prosthetic leg, waved it in the air and announced 'Who needs legroom!'" -- grand rapper E-D ----- "i'm actually a really nice and normal person, but i'm like a magnet for filth and depravity. -- rzolf ----- X "In the true spirit of open source software, the documentation is not very helpful" -- rzolf ----- "i'm coming to realize that programming would be really fun if it wasn't for customers" -- Vinod ----- X "Beer is just liquid bread - lasts longer without rotting, a great way to preserve grain for future consumption." -- dhogaza ----- "The Tolkien names have too much of an association with bearded, trench-coat-wearing, renaissanse-faire attending, bastard-operator-from-hell system administrators to be good choices. (no offense to the members of the community into Dungeons and Dragons and brewing your own mead)" -- rzolf ----- X "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." --Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989 ----- "Dogs, free Diet Coke, and lots and lots of women..." -- gregh ----- X "Hopefully, I'm sleeping. You can leave an aim for me ... or drop me mail. If this is a emergency, somebody else can probably help you." -- Chunks ----- "You've misinterpreted our apathy and laziness for dislike." -- jo2y ----- X "A herd of cats is hard to push into a voting booth." -- jo2y ----- X "Anywho, wplug is really a monarchy anyways, with monkeybot on the throne." -- zman ----- "4 months of japanese and you will be laughing at the pussies struggling with french..." -- rzolf ----- X "scsi is not magic. there are *fundamental technical reasons* why you have to sacrifice a young goat to your scsi chain every now and then" -- BitPoet ----- "i think MIT is _special_, because they get people who applied to harvard, but didn't have the social skills." -- docwolf ----- X "[In Japanese] the words for "cute" and "scary looking" are 1/2 of a vowel apart. so if some girl shows you her new haircut and you say "kowaii!" instead of "kawaii!" she will start to cry." -- Rzolf ----- X "in general, you should always explore career paths like 'rock star' or 'professional basketball player' before worrying about finding a cool tech job" -- Rzolf ----- "Profanity is the inevitable linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker." -- Bruce Sherrod ----- "Marketing, shmarketing. I say, bash away on java as much as possible. I dont know exactly what problems people are having pushing openacs to clients, but I have found that getting the initial project spec, taking it home, and coming back with their project 60% completed in two days is a lot stronger marketing tactic than saying 'well yes, it will take 6 months to build you a bulletin board, but your system will have an object-relational persistance layer and full J2EE compliance.'" -- Rzolf ----- "note, it isn't impossible to use a database as the backend to a standard webmail system...in fact, AOL stores all of its user mail in sybase. it comes in handy when you need to find out which of your users are using dirty words like 'breast' and 'pants.'" -- Rzolf ----- X "i fear, [Prince] is going to end up a more sorry spectacle than james brown" -- Rzolf ----- "I worked for three years as an EMT until I realized that health care is disgusting and most people are ungrateful fucks that shouldn't be helped anyway." -- Carter Weeks ------ X "I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?" -- Victor Borge ----- "Have any of you ever read the comments on a popular site like f---ed company or slashdot? 90%+ of the postings should make you embarrassed to be a member of the human race. Even on GOOD community sites like photo.net, about 80% of the postings are disposable. Do you really want to reliably preserve thousands of "me first" and "mr stinky finger" posts for the rest of eternity? Everyone should encourage the use of unstable architectures for typical crummy community sites. A server crash on one of these sites has the potential to wipe out hard evidence that the internet world of the late 90s and early 2000s was populated mainly by immature, racist, homophobic sociopaths. The use of MySQL should be encouraged, for your children's sake." -- Rzolf ----- X "so if you've ever used C, Java, or Perl. PHP will be familiar because it combines the worst of each language. But none of the powerful parts. It looks a lot like cold fusion. -- Rzolf ----- X "if you want to program in C++ oop style...just be a man and use C++" -- Rzolf ----- X "amputee midget woman? good god!!!! there certainly is a large population of folks who's modular is slightly off kilter out there..." -- MetaKyle ----- "[Note - and on the subject of corrections, an earlier note of mine mentioned that the cast had "resigned" for the next season of DSN. It should have read "re-signed". My thanks to all of you who took the time to drop me a note, mocking my mistake - ed.]" ----- "Internet chat is one of satan's tools, contributing to the global lobotimization of youth even more so that USENET, and providing future rehabilitative surgeons a financial bonanza of carpal tunnel, lower back, and neck disorders." -- rzolf ----- "Tcl is really Scheme with most of its brain removed" -- Philip Greenspun ----- "In practice, humans are lazy, sloppy, and easily distracted by more interesting projects" -- Philip Greenspun ----- "Food: Any kind of flake food will do just fine, though some fish fanciers suggest buying some brine fish treats too, for variery. Honestly, I can't taste the difference at all." -- Andy Ihnatko, "The Original Macquarium" ----- "Here's the cycle: In the south, you have learning, culture, a lifestyle of grace. Principles such as honor, courage, duty, and state's rights are considered important. In short, you have civilisation. In the north, you have teeming masses of barbarians, undeducated, violent, hardy, and brutal. What happens? Inevitably, the northern barbarians come sweeping through the south, destroying civilisation as they go. You can see this happen to one focal point of western civilisation after another. The Huns and Visigoths did it to Rome. The Spartans did it to Athens. And the 'yankees did it to Richmond." -- Olin Shivers ----- X "If you go to Bri'ga'Dun, you will Die" -- O'Kosh ----- "llamas aren't aggressive enough for a bass player" -- Emily Bentgen ----- "Time for Tubby bye bye! Time for Tubby bye bye!" ----- "Makefiles can do your laundry, make the bed, make your coffee, and sexually satisfy you, as long as you speak fluent martian." -- Matt Zahorik ----- "JavaScript use is very highly correlated with lack of anything interesting" -- Dan Lyke ----- "'God' is just a beat long" -- Mark Norman ----- "note: the editorial content of Shutterbug [magazine] is below even the standard of USENET, so confine yourself to the ads" -- Philip Greenspun ----- X "Quality cannot be independently derived from either mind or matter. But it can be derived from the relationship of mind and matter with each other. Quality occurs at the point at which subject and object meet. Quality is not a thing. It is an event." -- Robert M. Pirsig, ----- "Some of the [Shakespeare] plays that I like the best are the ones that everyone else hates. I think Troilus and Cressida is the ultimate date play because Cressida vows eternal love and then transfers her affections when expedient." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "Netscape is unique in that they offer a full selection of the worst ideas in server-side Web programming." -- Philip Greenspun ---- "You're building a database. You're modelling data from the real world. You're going to have to write computer programs in a formal language. You have to design a user interface for that computer program. If you have an MBA then your natural first step is . . . hire a graphic designer." -- Philip Greenspun ----- X "Apple Computer, right down there with Mercedes Benz" -- Douglas Adams ----- X "Well, for starters the cheese would have had teeth." -- Nick ----- "Okay, I'm a dick. Sorry about that." -- Kris Rehberg ----- "The uneducated public will have lower standards than what a serious photographer will have. That's normal; they don't know any better. A true artist is judging his/her images on a professional level (and if not, someone else certainly will). This is a public who will pay thousands in finance charges annually on various credit card bills and balk at putting a $50 piece of art in a $25 frame. An $80 opera ticket is not justifiable, although a $150 seat for an NFL football game is." -- Sean Yamamoto ----- "Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think you are fucked." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "I liken view camera photography to software development. The tools are almost exactly the same as they were decades ago. The difference is that view camera photographers know that they are using the same tools as their father" -- Philip Greenspun ----- "Internet and the Web are great for serendipitous information discovery, but if you are looking for something specific, it is like walking into the Library of Congress the day after the card catalog burned." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "In the North, good qualities are more uniformly distributed among the populace. You might find an attractive, graceful person of average intelligence and education. Or a plain looking person with a brilliant mind. In the South, it is all or nothing. You are a slim graceful well-spoken college-educated brunette or a corpulent lumbering hick-accented uneducated dyed-blonde." -- Philip Greenspun ----- X "elvis is not death for me, inside in memory same the name is song elvis i love elvis." -- Chabot Tittley ----- "Mother Teresa fought Uncle Chuck tooth and nail! She saved hundreds on hundreds of diseased children, lepers, beggars and other refugees from the DNA Recycler. Gave them extra breeding time and encouraged the fucking WORLD to dribble with sympathy and FEED them! Ever throw bread to pigeons? It doesn't solve hunger, it just makes MORE pigeons!!!" -- Swan ----- "Writing something interesting about Nebraska is a challenge. Doing it when you cross the state on I-80 in ten hours is impossible." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "Although the regionalism of Germany is difficult for Americans to fully appreciate, try to imagine NY's Ed Koch somehow getting elected Governor of Texas. Texans turn up their noses at first but are elated when Koch rolls over Oklahoma, Louisiana, New Mexico and Kansas. However, as their relatives serving in the Texas Army are cut down by tenacious Minnesotans and their houses are leveled by bombers from California, the honeymoon comes to an end." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "You can judge how good a bunch of photographers are by what they are talking about. Really bad photographers debate the merits of the Nikon F4 and the Canon EOS-1. Somewhat better photographers debate the merits of the Yashica T4 and the Contax T2. The best photographers, though, talk tripods, tripod heads, and quick releases." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "If you want to understand why his music was so happy, take a look at the view from the quayside in front of La Pieta'. If you don't think that was enough, reflect on the fact that Vivaldi had at his, er, disposal, an orchestra made up of 1000 orphaned teenage girls." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "1492 AD Columbus discovers America and therefore tomatoes. Southern Italian cuisine, especially pizza, will never be the same." -- Philip Greenspun ----- "The final reason that your question is stupid is that you are using America OnLine and are presumably satisfied with it. If current trends continue, it will take AOL at 50 years to produce any product that is as high quality as a plastic Nikon lens cap. It is kind of like a starving child in Somalia who is covered with lice asking if 'living in a mansion in Beverly Hills is any good'" -- Philip Greenspun ----- "This is a good [photography] thread, makes me realize I've been shooting too much wildlife and too few people - people shooting is FUN, there's no doubt about that!" -- Don Baccus "Don, I just want to point out that I hope your last sentence is never taken out of context." -- Paul Wilson ----- X "This is the perversity of software. It is _always_ more complex than you anticipate, even when you know this and compensate for it" -- Robert Martin ---- X "... If the process invokes any of the various dlopen() calls, the DSO requested will be automatically instrumented ... If the process invokes any of the various dlopen() calls, the DSO requested will NOT be automatically instrumented" -- pixie(1) man page on IRIX 6.2 ----- X "One of us really does not understand what the other is saying. I haven't yet figured out whether that's you or me." -- Eric Berdahl ----- "This article is a parody and should be considered satire, and is in no way designed to suggest that Dr. Jane Goodall or any of her registered agents has ever authorzied or consented to the use of her name to sell foreskin slippers." -- Chris Kilbourn ----- "And if that doesn't work, do what I do, get em good and drunk. 'How drunk does a White Star have to be to make sweet love?' That's it! B5 is just South Park with the serial numbers filed off. Oh my God, they killed Kosh!!! You Bastards!!!" -- Tariq ----- "ANOTHER MONTH ENDS ALL TARGETS MET ALL SYSTEMS WORKING ALL CUSTOMERS SATISFIED ALL STAFF EAGER AND ENTHUSIASTIC ALL PIGS FED AND READY TO FLY" -- Gareth Dunley ----- X "Siskel & Ebert give it two thumbs in the eyes" -- Dangi, on 'Event Horizon' ----- "I used to be scared by the idea that the people who, thanks to Microsoft, Borland, and others, got used to applications crashing frequently during their time as students would be employed by airplane manufacturers designing and programming the control systems. In the last couple of weeks, I've started to think this may have already happened." -- Osma Ahvenlampi ----- "There is no 'I' in 'TEAMWORK', but there is an 'EWOK'" -- Zorak == begin old stuff == In case of Emergency, broken code, or badger convention, call me at home: (703) 779-2873 or write me: 310 SW Deerpath Ave. Leesburg, VA 20175 Or kill me. Otherwise, do you think I actually have a plan for all of this nonsense? ObCuteQuotes: "mmmrmfh mmrhrhf, mrmhrmmfm mrmfh, mrhm mrfhhrhfhff mmmrmfmmmfhfhhf!!" -- Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" ----- "I'm Pink, therefore I'm Spam." ----- "Pump up the Jam, pump it, pump it, pump it." -- Fredrick Smucker ----- "Bus' a move, we sho` improve, hey yo Doug, do that record jam on the groove" -- Doug E. Fresh (and the Get Fresh Crew) ----- "Would a cul-de-sac be a spoon in the road?" -- jjw@jpmorgan.com ----- "Cellular telephones friz your heirs." ----- "I don't think I will ever plan, to see a tree as lovely as Spam, And I think that I will never see, some Spam as lovely as thee." ----- "I never promised you a rose garden, and you never promised me a drill press." ----- "An aged Spam is but a paltry thing, a tattered snack upon a stick." -- William Butler Yeats ----- "The Grabbing Spam grabs all it Can." -- Depeche Mode ----- "This stuff ought to smell like Grape." -- Linda Thomas ----- "I fall upon the Spam of life! I knead!" -- Percy Bysshe Shelley ----- "There is only One God! He is the Sun God! Ra! Ra! Ra!" ----- "But soft! What Spam through yonder window bakes? It is the yeast, and Juliet is my son." -- William Shakespeare ----- "The Ladies' Home Companion (is a very easy magazine to read)." -- W.A. Mozart, Symphony #40, last movement. ----- "I'm the wind, baby" -- Tom Servo ----- "Speed is not a problem." -- Chris Cole ----- Any unauthroized use punishible by having to listen to a software engineer sing the Carpenter's greatest hits. ----- Any unauthroized use punishible by listening to 100 Star Trek fans debate the relative merits of Captains Kirk and Picard. ----- Any unauthorized use punishable by a force-feeding of Spam flavored Jello. ----- Any unauthorized use can result in being flogged with spinach. ----- Any unauthorized use can result in punishment by 10,000 untamed wombats. ----- Any unauthorized use punishable by watching the Devo remake of The Sound of Music. ----- Any unauthorized use punishable by reciting "Chad is a boo-boo head" 50,000 times. ----- WE ARE BARNEY. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. ----- "Kal Kan! Take me away!" ----- "Where have all the Kibos gone? Gone to spotting, every one." --Bob Dylan ----- "That which doesn't kill me makes me weirder." --Nieztche ----- "Try new Nieztche-Brand Overman Underoos!" ----- "If I didn't have that MegaMac, it'd be 3:00 right now" -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "I sought a Spam and sought for it in vain, I sought it daily for six weeks or so. Maybe at last, being but a badger man, I must be satisfied with my non-dairy whipped topping, although." -- William Butler Yeats, "Circus Spam's Desertion" ----- "Rock and Roll Pumpkin! (say it again)" -- Green Jello ----- "Daddy, you SpamHog. You're dead." -- Sylvia Plath ----- "It is a tail told by a Wombat, full of hound and furry, signifying nothing" -- William Shakespeare ----- "iiiiiii'm not an english horn. i'm not an english horn. I just can't *play* that high." -- Opening words to Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" ----- "STOP BUGGING ME!" -- Franz Kafka ----- "I'll be back soon. I'm just going down to city hall to fill out some forms." -- Franz Kafka's last words ----- "Half a leak, half a leak, Half a leak onward, All in the valley of Spam Rode the six badgers." -- Tennyson ----- "Badgers, badgers, everywhere, and all the minds did shrink Badgers, badgers, everywhere, and not a thought to think." --Samuel Taylor Coleridge ----- "Ekky Hoover greeble ni peng ni Bork." -- Nieztche ----- "Eat my Burger for it is my Flesh, and Drink my Milk for it is my Blood. Obey!" -- The Cowgod ----- "Little Pig, Little Pig, Let Me In!" -- Chad K. Bisk ----- "Surgar-coated slaughter is the order of the day" -- Toucan Son-of-San ----- "Today is the last day of the first of your life." ----- "Let me be your Immortal Slave and Whip Me!" -- Barney the Dinosaur ----- "It's always easy to forget the simple things." -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "In Xanadu did Kubla Khan, A stately badger-dome decree Where Tomservo, the sacred river ran, Through Spam measureless to man, Down to a Borkless sea." -- Olivia Newton John ----- "More rapid than badgers his creek ate the peas, But the temperature this saturday will be 20 degrees." -- Cactus ----- "Spear is the Mime killer." -- Frank Herbert ----- "Three cheers for the Sun God! He's a real fun God! Ra! Ra! Ra!" ----- "O my Spam's like a red, red nose, That's newly sprung at Noon, O my Spam's like the melodie, that's sorely play'd out'v toon." -- Robert Burns ----- "Let us spam!!! Let us bork!!! Let us snare the deepest Sucrets of our soles!!! Me first." -- Linda Thomas ----- "All the lonely badgers, where do they all come from? All the lonely badgers, where do they all belong?" -- Lennon & McCartney ----- "All the lonely proletariat, where do they all come from? All the lonely bourgeoisie, where do they all belong?" -- Lenin & McCarthy ----- "My name is Bond. Peptide Bond." ----- "Hit me with your badger spam. Hit me! Hit me!" -- Ian Dury ----- "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't bathe in yogurt." -- L.L. Beanpole ----- "It was many and many a year ago, in a badger by the sea, That a Spamhog there lived whom you may know By the name Vaclav Nelibehl Lee." -- Edgar Allan Poe ----- "I didn't get where I am today by changing my leopard's spots in mid-stream." -- C.J. ----- "Tra-la lalala lalala la Yum Yum! Tra-la lala la lala la." -- Gilbert and Sullivan as heard from an orchestra pit. ----- "Forty years from now nursing homes will be filled with demented hackers, studying their blank laptop screens nicely placed on knitted quilts to keep their knees warm." -K. Mitchum (seen on the net) ----- "Torgo takes care of the place while the master is away." -- Torgo ----- "FIRST comes the tuna, THEN the Ren&Stimpy Coloring Book." -- Baby Cheevers ----- "And his victory was a hollow one, since the town was only a model." -- Monster: Godzilla, a portrait in plastic ----- "I do not like green dregs and spam!" ----- "find / -name core -exec uuencode {} | mail brett@visix.com \;" ----- "I feel Open, oh so Open. So Open and COSE and Free!" --West Coast Story ----- "Actually, Pain can be fun." -- person in Galaxy training class. ----- "SPAMDEX -- The official Spam user's conference." ----- "8. Pets, silk, wool & cleans you head to toe! Keeps fresh!" -- Dr. Bronner ----- "A cry rings out upon the night. The dog runs off limping, whimpering pitifully... The badger thuds off into the distance. The sounds grow quiet. He is gone to earth." -- Fred Speakman, "A Forest by Night" ----- "7. Hot Towel-Massage entire body! ALWAYS TOWARDS YOUR HEART!" -- Dr. Bronner ----- "Altoidmeister -- Curiously Smooth..." ----- "I am the manipulator. M-A-N-I-P-U-Later." -- Late 80's Rap Classic ----- "Darth Vader sleeps with a teddiewookie." ----- "I want you to do something else for me. I want you to put me On The Wheel." -- Green Jello ----- "i built it up now i take it apart climed up real high now fall down real far" -- Nine Inch Nails (wish) ----- "i put my faith in god and my trust in you now there's nothing more fucked up i could do." -- Nine Inch Nails (wish) ----- "Tar is not a plaything." -- Bart Simpson ----- "The main difference between me and Salvador Dali is that I'm not Dali!" ----- "Keep rewinding the tapes." ----- "Well, Reggie got 1&1 in 3, and twenty-five is sixTwoFour. Is the left wing really pinko? Colonel Sanders, what a bore!" -- The Existential Blues ----- "My karma ran over your dogma." ----- "You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose? Is this plain-old heebie-jeebies, or just Existential Blues?" ----- "They'll beat you bash you squish you mash you chew you up for brunch. And finish you off for dinner or lunch lunch lunch lunch." -- Love Theme from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" ----- "Did you know that all of Emily Dickinson's Poetry can be sung to the tune 'The Yellow Rose of Texas'? Here's a sample: The Heart asks Pleasure -- first -- And then --- Excuse from Pain -- And then -- those little Anodynes That deaden suffering --" -- Dr. Ken Story ----- "Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate." -- Alain van der Heide ----- "Don't step on my Blue Suede Existential Blues." ----- "My child doesn't carry guns to J.L.Simpson Middle School" ----- "Iguana in the sauna, Iguana in the sauna. Listening to Madonna, Iguana in the sauna." -- Big Nap ----- "Newt in a suit, Newt in a suit, Isn't he cute? Newt in a suit." -- Big Nap ----- "Skink in a drink! Skink in a drink! What do you think! About a Skink in a drink!" -- Big Nap ----- "James Brown is still alive." -- Holy Noise ----- "I live differently than you." -- Gray Jones ----- "With a name like MonkeyPus, It's got to be good!" ----- "We think of it as our playground. We'd like to share it with you." -- Gray Jones ----- "A jester unemployed is nobody's fool." ----- "Real Galaxy programmers code below vwindow" -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- ""Never, EVER call veventDestroy" - lat@jpmorgan.com" -- bsb@unify.com ----- "This code is in COBOL when you're not looking." ----- "Some girl with psychic powers said 'Hey T-Bone, what's your sign?' I blinked and answered 'neon', I thought I'd blow her mind" -- Existential Blues ----- "the kind of guy who needs a girl who hates guys who needs a girl that doesn't like the guys who likes girls who hates guys like me." -- too much spam ----- "It's my Party, and I can vote if I want to." -- Al. Gore ----- "Wooooo Pig Phooey!" -- cry of a displaced Arkansan ----- "CAAAAARRRRR BOMB!" -- Negativland ----- "Snakey? Son, I don't think you want Snakey!" -- Green Jello ----- "Do you know how many time zones there are in Russia?" -- Negativland ----- "Show me that unsigned monkey you got there!" ----- "Christianity is stupid! Communism is Gooood! Give up!" -- Negativland ----- "Chad es un Cabeza de BooBoo" ----- "And now I`ll tell you a story about a Spam eating King in a far far away place ... Oh I forgot it's not story time yet." -- brian@murphy.com. ----- "Ask the spam eating king why we're here. "Mais bien sur, pour manger le spam" -- brian@murphy.com. ----- "Finding your way through command mazes can sometimes leave you wondering." -- tracy@unify.com ----- "I demand Badgers! Bring them to ME!" ----- "Machine independent? Of course it's machine independent! It doesn't work on *any* machine!" -- Jigman ----- "You should ALWAYS code like you were building a tank, and your program will be as stable as one. Code for speed ONLY where it matters" -- Jon W{tte ----- "It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record." -- John Blasik (seen on the net) ----- "I am SpoonMan. Believe it or not. That's S-P-euuuuu-N. M-A-N" -- SpoonMan ----- "Spoon. Most ancient of tools. First among utensils to dish up food, fun, and trouble. Ohhhhh Buddy Spoon. Now you are in SpoonMan's corner. Good work. Now you are in SpoonMan's dreams. Good luck." -- SpoonMan ----- "Object oriented architecture enabling multimedia technology and distributed Open Systems Solutions." -- Modern equivalent of a Bad LSD Trip ----- "Our VP of sales is almost a Spelling Checker." ----- "AAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!" -- Loudspeaker ----- "We really should have named them after trees." -- Greg Marriott, Blue Meanie ----- "Avoid looking at laser with remaining eye." ----- "Demonic spirts of allergies and spirits of nasal passages! Go! In the Name of Jesus!" -- Robert Tilton ----- "Fish On!" -- Primus ----- "The more things change, the more they suck" -- Beavis & Butthead ----- "Dead animals are cool" -- Beavis & Butthead ----- "This is the Badger, baby. Say 'Hi'. Say 'Hi' to the Badger. The Badger likes you. He doesn't bite as long as you're nice to him." ----- "Why ask rhetorical questions?" ----- "Proud member of P.E.T.A. - People for Eating Tasty Animals" ----- "I wish the woman of my dreams would stop waking me up!" ----- "Let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment." -- Geoff Miller ----- "Personally, I believe that the road to Hell is paved with the skulls of unbaptized infants. This is why I am persecuted as a heretic." -- Geoff Miller ----- "I get really confused about all the different kinds of Heavy Metal: deathcore, grindcore, hardcore, bellcore. Which kind is which?" ----- "Am I losing my mind?" "Just lie back on the couch, Mrs. Rectangular" "You see these signs too, Dr. Black?" -- Negativland ----- "Do not kill, do not, you know, steal, cheat, lie from everybody. That's why we have to have computers, because man, nobody is perfect, you know. It's not even funny." -- Negativland ----- "about power, man, nobody is perfect." -- Negativland ----- "I feel stupid, and contageous. Here we spar now, I'm cheese-danish!" -- Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" ----- "Open the door, sit in the seat, turn the key and go!" -- Messiah ----- "Breathe! Breathe! Breathe you Badgers!" -- Ministry ----- "Never be the first to de-flea. Never be the last to cook cheeze." ----- "Chop as usual... And avoid panic frying." ----- "All the other options (face, eyes, mouth) work just fine. Only the nose is broken." -- Edie E. Gunter ----- "I want a piece of meat!" -- Negativland ----- "We better not get caught We'll be dumped in institutions Where we'll be drugged and shocked 'Til we come out born-again Christians..." -- Dead Kennedys "Stealing People's Mail" ----- "I've been listening to a group called 'Ministry'. It's like Nine Inch Nails, but not as happy." ----- "It's a good, picky compiler, but in a straightforward, stupid kinda way." -- Chad K. Bisk ----- "Now life's a bowl of bagel dogs, but there are unpleasantries. Cold toilet seats, dentist chairs, and trips to DMV" -- Primus ----- "Todays lesson is on the Smurfs as a Biblical Parallel. First off, we'll discuss Papa Smurf's leadership as an equivalent to Moses. We'll then touch on Gargamel's Lucifarian tendancies, and then wrap up with Harrison Ford's Christ-like depiction." ----- "No effect." -- TC ----- "You will jog for the master race And always wear the Happy Face" -- Dead Kennedys, "California Uber Alles" ----- "Bacon! I want bacon!" -- TC ----- XB "Your first book, Mysteries of the Unknown, is under the floorboards behind the refrigerator. Later books will explain how it got there" -- Drew Lawso ----- "Who are you? And what do you want with me?!? I broke a nail on your lame-ass frogman's collarbone, and I'm really pissed off!" -- Debbie Gibson ----- "Breathe! Breathe! Breathe you Badgers!" -- Ministry ----- "Beat poets, not children" -- wise T-shirt saying ----- "Hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. it's just the beasts under your bed, in your closet, in your head." -- Song #31, the Barry Hunter Child Care Collection ----- "There is a ton of power the user gains from the event driven nature of X and MS-Windows. Don't take it away because you don't think it fits your design." -- Joey Jarosz ----- "As for me... Just give me a grass skirt and a liter of Thunderbird." -- wild New York dude. ----- "As for me... Just give me a grass skirt and a liter of Jaegermeister." -- wild Visix dude. ----- "As for me... Just give me a baseball cap and a liter of Rumblemints." -- another wild Visix dude. ----- "Don't Drink Water! Keep out of Eye! Pollute, Pollute! OK!" -- the Evil Dr. Bronner of Manhattan ----- [*] What is your task, banker? I take money from people, and give it back to them later. Or vice-versa. Anything else? Why yes, people can carry around these small sheets of paper, which they can use in place of money. Why wouldn't they just use money? I note that your "sheets" and paper currency are both around the same size. My sheets are better -- you can annoy people behind you at the supermarket with them. -- Brian Scearce ----- "Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers" ----- "Aw tick - mmmtick tick tick-brrr tick" -- Ween ----- "you fucked up - you bitch you really fucked up you fucked up - you fuckin'naziwhore you dicked me over - but now you'll pay you fucked up - aaaahhh." -- Ween ----- "Marketing guys are cool.... heh....heh...heh.... breaking the law.... breaking the law...." -- fgreco@lehman.com ----- "bugifiximus buttikissimus" ----- "Freedom to all the people, free, true and strong! Freedom for all the people, unless I think you're wrong!" -- GWAR "The Morality Squad" ----- doctor of subliminimalism ----- "Sandstorm! DEEP HURTING!" -- TV's Frank ----- "Sipping of the sun ray, blading in the earth evolving was the nectar, given to the weasel birth" -- Ween ----- "they'd notice, folgers wear shoes." -- TVL ----- "delinquents, weirdos, hippies pillheads freaks spotheads" -- Radioactive Goldfish (actually, what *is* a spothead?) ----- "Mellow out or you will pay!" -- Dead Kennedys, "California Uber Alles" ----- "Two great powers are on our side: the power of Badgers and the power of Spam. These two are stronger than anything else in the world." ----- "Come on Mr. Krinkle tell me why" -- Primus ----- "Hey! Heard about the new educational game based on Dante's Inferno? It's called 'Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiego'" ----- "Your kids will meditate in school." -- Dead Kennedys, "California Uber Alles" ----- "Smashed up like pickled cheese, smashed up like Ben Vereen, Smashed up like Mogadishu, smashed up my limousine" -- Nine Inch Nails ----- "This is the Newton, baby. Say "Hi". Say "Hi" to the Newton. The Newton likes you." -- Green Jello(?) ----- "scoo-be-doo-be-doooo-wap-da-beedle-de-be-boe" ----- "If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool." -- TVL ----- "This thing will soon be head-cheese." -- Chad K. Bisk ----- Skanky Hacks `R Us ----- "FOR THICKER OATMEAL USE LESS WATER. FOR THINNER OATMEAL USE MORE WATER" -- Quaker Oats ----- "I saw the Pope. He was better than Cats. I want to see him again and again. I saw the Pope. He was better than Cats. I want to see him again and again. I saw the Pope. He was......" ----- "Things don't mean nothing if they ain't got that certain je ne sais quoi." ----- "I can't speak for anyone else, Laura, but my life changed when I let Our Lord Jesus Christ into my life as my personal savior yesterday. I got over it, though." -- Rick Gordon ----- "Make a dying child happy! 11 year old Craig Shergold wants to enter the Guiness Book of Records by collecting core files from around the world. Please send your core files to Craig, care of brett@visix.com" ----- "Although the Macintosh is a good computer, it is much too expensive to make any sort of niche in the home computer market. That role will be left to other, less expensive personal computers such as the TI/99, the TRS-80, the IBM PCjr, and the Coleco Adam." -- Byte, 1984 ----- "And *I'm* a petroleum-based lubricant. You're dead!" -- Gray Jones ----- "You owe the Oracle a badger and three barrels of Cheeze-Whiz" ----- "Caution: Rocky and Bullwinkle are closer than they appear." ----- "Do not judge, lest ye be judged yourself." -- Metallica ----- Student of the Absurd ----- "Suave? Gosh-darn you're one Suave Friend." -- Blue Velvet, Smurf Edition ----- "If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!" -- TVL ----- "I hope you're hungry! They're serving spiny lobe fish today!" -- Star Trek: The Next Generation ----- "HEY DUDE!! HEAVY METAL IS COOL!! MY FAVORITE BANDS ARE MEGADETH, GWAR, HELMET, OZZY, AND THAT SUPER-MONDO METASOFTWARE. THEY REALY ROCK!!!!!" ----- "Don't write to ROM. It wastes your time and annoys the ROM" -- Newton Programmer's Guide ----- "Being able to deal with large sections of your address space suddenly disappearing isn't always easy..." -- Bob Ebert, Newton Support ----- "Why 1994 won't be like 1984 ten years later." -- Apple Computer ----- Generic General: "Is it a bird or a reptile?" Generic Scientist: "For now, let's just consider it a monster" -- Gamera vs. Gaos ----- "LooksLikeWe'veRunOutOfSpaceAgain" ----- "Have you tried thearpy? Or considered an exciting career as a poet?" ----- "C++ is a large set of partially inconsistent and partially incompatible features without a clear model of how they should be used or how they interact." -- Ross Huitt ----- "Contains no juice" -- TC ----- "Why do so many people capitalize Mac as MAC? That's like saying 'Hi, my name is Johnny, you can call be JOHN'" ----- "hi, i'm an anal customer. i write really good code. if you all would write galaxy to support my great code we wouldn't have problems. fix your code so my code works. now!" -- TVL ----- "Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!" -- Beavis ----- "SPAM LAW: All spam dishes can be improved by adding a couple tablespoons of salt." ----- "If you put enough distortion on anything, it'll sound like a guitar" -- Michael Manring ----- "ObSoapbox: Casting is bad. If you cast anywhere except for a vspamGetData or vdialogFindItem, rethink your code." ----- "The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage" -- Dale Worley ----- "When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a lawyer." ----- "Now at McDonald's: The McBarney! I love you, you love me, 97percent fat-free!" -- Richard Hosker ----- "'cause oscar meyer has a way with B-L-O-G-N-A!" -- TVL ----- "What is this Carrot Sort the post office uses?" ----- "jigish_is_not_a_brazillian_drink" -- Jigish ----- "Someone once told me that videoconferencing would be a Great Leap Forward because each party would be able to see each other's power ties, read each other's body language and interpret all the associated subtle nuances, like me glancing pointedly at my watch." -- Geoff Miller ----- "Ask me about my Vow of Silence." ----- "When I grow up, I wanna be the guy that names nail polish colors." -- Gray Jones ----- "You didn't hear this from me, but...." -- BevZ ----- "how fast does a 6'2" 140lbs guy have to be running when he hits a 7'x4' window on the 41st floor of a building to go through it?" -- TVL ----- "That explains why you are mad, even if you're not mad." -- Pink Floyd ----- "you raise the spade, you bake the range, you rearrange me until I'm plain. you mock the poor, and spam away the peas. there's Simone in my head, and it's not me." -- Pink Floyd ----- "ohhh-ooohhhh oh oh hiiiiii. ahhhh-haaa ha. ooooohh, ooh, oh... waaaah. oooohhh waaahahah hhiiii ah -ha. ahhhh hi-a." -- Pink Floyd, "The Great Gig in the Sky" ----- "aw Nik - mmmm Nik Nik Nik -- brrr Nik" -- Ween ----- "He tried to kill me with a fork-lift" -- Ken ----- "THIS IS TEKNO-ROCK" -- Paul McCartney ----- "Don't laugh. I love you." -- Ween ----- "Ween" -- TC ----- "uhhhh.....go away....we're closed or something......." -- Butt-head ----- "Weedeating Vaughn's grass, big bumblee came right out. it stung me 47,000 times. it hurt so badly" -- Ween ----- "Solaris 2.0, because cows aren't big enough." ----- "fuck, shit, suck, dick, crap, etc..." -- Art Stine ----- "fresh blood through tired skin new sweat to drown me in dress up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive... i want you to make me, i want you to take me, i want you to break me, i want you to throw me away." -- nine inch nails Christmas album ----- "Make me a cake first." -- Rev. Bob Tilton ----- "Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork! bork! bork!" -- TVL ----- "remember: nine inch nails is trent reznor" ----- "old man thunder sound of thunder broan sh'brozh daunn oh! birndisihnn gon d'fird'sau the munth of funth goona rundowntown, d'sau" -- Ween ----- "that was cool huh huh that frog we killed huh huh huh it won't croak again" -- Haiku, by Butt-Head ----- "Heh, heh-heh, hmmmm, heh-heh-heh he-heh, hmmmm, heh-heh he-heh-heh, hmmmm, he, heh-heh" -- Haiku, by Beavis ----- "Grimace is a kindhearted lover of flowers, children, and grease-laden foodproducts. Barney is the antichrist. Very different." -- Jess Weiss ----- "So I breathed on it. Now it's dead. But after its death it arose in flame from its ashes as a great Phoenix in reincarnation. I looked upon it and yea, it was good. For it beheld the Make_build and the Make_build was good. What had once been evil was now of the purest snow." -- Chad K. Bisk ----- "Baby Bop gurgled and cooed and drooled and said half sensible things in broken english like a spastic" ----- "Rain rain go away, come again some other day" -- nine inch nails ----- "Why shouldn't you fresh promise but not about the bug today am Larry of course?" -- 201z ----- "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers." ----- "i have had this problem of a long time. i don't know why, i just have. i guess i'm just stupid." -- TVL ----- " "I'm dead. I got killed by a bouncer." - Jaco Pastorius" -- GregT. ----- "I Like Volume!! I Like Violence!!" -- TVL ----- "Good manners don't cost nuthin'" -- Pink Floyd ----- "If God is our father, then Satan must be our cousin." -- Tool ----- "Hail, hail, fire and snow, friendly Kibo, we will go!" -- Kibo ----- "C++ is so named because every time you thing you've finished learning it, Bjarne adds a new feature" -- Scott Wheeler ----- "Reston, because cows aren't big enough" ----- "The Cow Pride Song (by Bret Jolly) Proud to be a cow, Proud to be a cow. Proud to be a cow, Proud to be a cow. [Repeat ad lib. then D.C. al coda] coda: Proud to be a cow!" -- typical alt.cows.moo.moo.moo posting ----- "Some day Beavis, you'll have urges like me." -- Butthead. ----- "Great programming is opening up a vein and pouring blood into a disk" -- Guy Kawasaki ----- "The rat condo -- rats check in, then they explode" -- Gray Jones ----- "So, though I know you have already gotten and replied to this message, we haven't yet trolled it from the past because it is still in the future." -- Mark LaPolla ----- "Not only the right of free travel, I'm saying 'eleven'" -- Negativland ----- "If rowPixel or columnPixel == 0, then the universe will quietly come to an end." ----- "You are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence..." -- Art Stine ----- "MTV Viacom is accepting submitted material for Beavis and Butthead. For more information, contact Sara Duffy at (212)258-8000, ext. 8248." ----- "No one here but us cows. Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." -- Bill Nottingham ----- "SPAM(R) and SPAMBURGER(TM) are trademarks for a pork product packed only by Hormel Foods Corporation." -- Special SPAMBURGER edition can ----- "Barney Kibo Barney Kibo Kibo Kibo Barney Barney" ----- "I love you... you love me... toddler beastiality..." ----- "If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take if from you. It is an ice cream koan." -- Mike Jacobs ----- "Silent Columbus Day, Deadly Columbus Day" -- Opening Oct 11th in theaters around the nation ----- "I wonder if you covered catsup in ketchup, then added a little ketchup on the side, and topped it all with a great big wallop of catsup. Now that's MY nectar and ambrosia." -- Edward Park ----- "bow down before the one you serve, you're going to get what you deserve" -- nine-inch-barney ----- "ninety-nine point nine red balloon degrees" ----- "head like a hole - black as your soul - i'd rather die - than give you control" -- Bert, to Ernie ----- "They're ancient, and they're justified." -- KLF, "Heading off to Mummu Land" ----- "What Apple is in the business of selling nowadays is anybody's guess." -- Ron Hunsinger ----- "ObScure: C++ == P" ----- "alt.skunks A newsgroup for enthusiasts of skunks and other mustelidae." ----- "Tennyson wrote and I quote: If you eat it you'll bloat and bloat like a boat. I'm not interested in stuffing face in the rain, on a train, let me introduce you to my friend pain." -- MoxyFruvis, Green Eggs and Ham ----- "Ever notice how the murder rate climbs as the quality of cereal toys declines?" -- Rob Cruickshank ----- "blood makes noize" -- Suzanne Vega / Quiet Riot reunion ----- "Imagine a company full of Chad..." -- Mike Bauer ----- "I just choose the reset option, flip Figgles over, pull down his battery drawer and poke him in the reset button." -- net.person who is entirely too attached to her Newton ----- "You shouldn't 'Ha!' in vain" -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "YES! Drums, guitars, and death! They finally got it right!" -- Butthead ----- "Followup to alt.fetish.barney" ----- "Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil-worshipper? A: He sold his soul to Santa..." ----- "Triskadecaphobics. You can't live with them, but you can break a mirror over their heads." -- booter@autodesk.com ----- "Hmmm... I wonder what this button doe ----- "must...write...code...must....write...code...must...write...code..." -- BevZ ----- "And God said "Jeeze, this is dull"... and it *was* dull." -- Genesis 0:0 ----- "This sentence is not a self-referential paradox" ----- "Dreadnaught, Lest you be dread'gd yourself" -- Metallica ----- "I feel happy/Oh so happy/I feel happy, and sappy, and... " -- Geoff Miller ----- "Have you ever been stranded in a Boston slum... without any money or ID? You will!" - AT&T ----- " o _____ _. o /o __ \_/ | o[ /// _ < `-----' `-' surreal owl" ----- "Do not taunt Happy Fun Bork" ----- "choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep" -- Barney ----- "Drink to me only with thine eyes, and I will drink with my nose" -- Inspector General ----- "When the only tool you've got is a rubber hammer, everything looks like a knee." -- Lee Rudolph ----- "My flexible friend" -- GregT about Mr. Bean ----- "Rootie-Kazootie, Wowie-Kazow. Ol' Bozo is my best Pal". ----- "You see I am a nice guy, I like spanking and bondage and some humiliation, both giving and receiving." -- Barney ----- "now Kibo will read this, followup to it, and next thing you know it'll be all over the next issue of Wired. SIGH!" -- Xibo ----- "Notice you don't have to worry about whether it's extended memory, expanded memory, enhanced memory, or otherwise empowered memory. It's just there." -- Bob Ebert ----- "We go to Kibo's clubhouse, sometimes after school. We play in Kibo's crawl space, there's never any room. We have to sit on Kibo's lap, there's never any chairs. Kibo likes to tickle us and give us funny stares." ----- "Remember, 'Intel Inside' is a warning" ----- "You know you've had a life-changing experience when you almost shit yourself and your first impulse is to sign onto a computer network and tell fifty-one thousand people about it." -- Sean McAfee ----- "After I first used the Mac, I had a dream in which I would walk up to people, touch them, and they'd turn black. Then I could talk to them." -- Anon ----- "At any rate, C++ != C. Actually, the value of the expression 'C++ != C' is implementation-defined." -- Peter da Silva ----- `Reminds me of "A Day In the Life Of a Bread Slice": "Ahh, good morning! Golly, it sure is great to be out of that plastic bag! It was really getting stuffy in there! What's this metal box thing your putting me into?" [muffled] "Hey, what's going on? It's dark down here! It's...AIIIIIIEEEE!!!"` -- Geoff Miller ----- "]:o_ |O = |_o=" -- Smiley Cow ----- "PS: Here is a _truly_ bovine limerick: Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo Moo moo moo moo moo Moo moo moo moo moo Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo" -- Alan Winston ----- X "Are you aware that a Batman Halloween costume contains the following warning: "Cape does not permit wearer to fly?"" ----- "Have you ever been to an Ada user group and noticed that there are no programmers there - only project managers?" -- Craig McFarlane ----- "Ketchup before beer, you're in the clear. Ketchup after hard, you're in the yard." ----- "In the usual UNIX quest for brevity on the command line the last 2 letters of vi's name were left off: 'le'." -- Philip Machanick ----- "K--- greps the entire newsfeed for his nickname, and tends to reply to any message that mentions him -- he's a lot like 'Cthulhu' from Lovecraftian mythology, only more terrifying." -- Scott Forbes ----- "Barney's Dead! Barney's Dead! We blew off his purple head With a .38 magnum full of pop Now we're after Baby Bop!" -- Becca Sexton's four-year-old ----- "He has different pieces of the puzzle scattered around on ALL the different scents of soap. Also, the liquid soap and the bar soaps have different rants on each label. Collect 'em all... all-one-all-soap-all-clean!!!!!" -- Patrick Crumhorn ----- "Verily I say unto you, that no one bearing the mark of ketchup on his lap or shirt shall enter the kingdom of God." -- alt.ketchup heretic ----- "beedy beedy beedy beedy" -- Twiki ----- "Don't take five, take what you want" -- The JAMs ----- "what I am is what I am is what you are or whuh?" -- Edie Brickell ----- "If you can't be a vegetarian, eat a vegetarian." -- Dr. Dean Ornish ----- "toys...i want toys..." -- TVL ----- "Happiness is a Barney pinata" ----- "On the ninth day of xmas, my true love gave to me ...nine-line obit ...eight grand of debt ...seven vengeful fundies ...six feet of quilt ...five...months...to...live ...four days to move ...three pink slips ...two dental dams ...and a mouth* full of HIV (*or snatch, needle, whatever)" -- Jo Miller ----- "See no weeble, hear no weeble, speak no weeble." ----- "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Nietzsche, (after Groening) ----- "PCMCIA -- People Can't Remember Computer Industry Acronyms" ----- "Mr. B Natural is a nightmarish descent into the twisted world of band instruments and gender indeterminacy." ----- "A bug prevented is a bug dead" - Jon W{tte ----- "You know you've been reading news too long when you see a jar of Motts Apple product and wonder what the third sex is..." ----- "Sorry, but posting to alt.hackers is restricted to registered hackers only. For information on becoming a registered hacker, please post to alt.hackers." -- Tom Phoenix ----- "You know, I could really go for a crisp, delicious vanilla flavored wafer right now." ----- "My Christmas wish? To see the "How Torgo Saved Christmas" special finally make it to TV. And I want to get to decide who lives and who dies." -- "Dave" ----- "BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!!" -- BLAZEMONGER user's guide ----- "What is this chicken-fish beef?" -- Eduardo Maglione ----- "Do you think it is possible to overheat your PowerBook by calling DisableIdle, Not letting your CPU idle?" -- John Harvey on c.s.m.p ----- "let the rabbits wear glasses." -- Tool ----- "I'm sorry Mr. Shergold, but you know the rules -- no can tabs, no dialysis." -- Andrew Bulhak ----- "It's all fun and games until someone dies!" -- Gypsy ----- "Bad Bad Bad" -- TC ----- "This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions and their answers about cryonics, the practice of carefully preserving very recently clinically and legally dead people in hopes that they can be revived in the future. It should be read by anyone interested in posting to sci.cryonics and by anyone who finds the prospect of certain death irritating." -- Cryonics FAQ Summary ----- "Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish * Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light." -- Satre (actually by Marty Smith) ----- "'yea, when i'm brain dead a little later i'll start rewriting it.' - tvl, on a yet to be checked in manager" -- TVL ----- "AAAARRGHHHH!!! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT THAT HURTS!" -- Jesus ----- "Hari-Kari and combines, come dancin' with me Hari-Kari and combines, Won't you come dancin' with me." -- Clutch ----- "CONNECT THE GOD-DAMMED DOTS!" -- Ministry ----- "Dumbo, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, and Mr. Toad will remain popular, but there will be almost no line for Snow White's Scary Adventures or Pinocchio's Daring Journey." ----- "I don't want a Happy Meal. I want an Angry Meal." -- Happy Flowers ----- "ever since i have allowed Barney in my heart, He has given me the courage to preach His word to the unwashed masses of the world. i have accepted Barney as my personal Savior, and have become Hatched Again." ----- "50 Ways To Eat Your Lover ...Just chop off his head, Fred, Cut off his prick, Dick, Chew on his leg, Peg, And have a big feast Suck down his brain, Wayne, Eat his eyeball, Paul, Nibble on his toe, Joe, And have a great meal..." -- Tom Donohue ----- "the galaxy help system: ``no shoes, no pants, a couple of g_strings; what more could you want?''" ----- "Country line moshing" ----- "Home Alone III -- The Quickening" ----- "I love you, you love me, let us join with Lord Barney...with a great big kiss and hug, from me to you....let's purge the world of adults too...." -- Day of the Barney ----- "I took a look at listapi.c and nearly threw up." -- Huw Roberts ----- "I love you, you love me, we're coming for Jeremy...it's been so long, I hope he doesn't mind, Barney has an axe to grind...." -- Day of the Barney, Part III ----- "Why yes, I am working on a standolone modual" - Visix Help Teem ----- "Learn the rules. Play by the rules. Read between the rules." - Jon W{tte ----- "a part of me still believes that the farther away rock and roll gets from sex, relationships and driving too fast, the more heads get put up asses." -- Ian Williams ----- "______ /_____/| Would you like any fries with that assimilation? - McBorg | M | | |____|/ " -- Wayne McDougall ----- "Could I interest you in a spaghetti dinner? Salmon maybe?" -- DB ----- "Three moose and a priest were walking down a highway. They came over a rise. Suddenly, dark clouds rushed in from the horizon and blotted the sun. The priest shrank in terror. The eldest moose smiled." -- Roland R. Thomas ----- "Jumping from high places is not painful at all." -- Wataru Tsurumi ----- "Cheating is bad -- Richard Basehart is Good" -- Gypsy ----- "Jesus loves you. Why are you so intent on hurting Him? Accept Jesus, let Him into your lives, and you will no longer feel this urge to write these terrible stories on alt.tasteless, which are themselves nothing but the cries of lost children. Close your eyes, pray to Our Lord who sent his only begotten Son to die for your sins. Accept Jesus, let Jesus give you a pleasant blow job, and your life will be changed forever. I know, mine was, and I have never looked back." -- ???? ----- "Normally you don't hear those two words used together: 'Mozart' and 'Riff'" -- TV "Dixie Crystals" L ----- "And I also think Ayn Rand had a fetish for naked shoulders." -- Sean Conner ----- "Peace, love and empathy." -- Kurt Cobain "Slurp my turgid root." -- Trashcan Man ----- "She don't mind, she don't mind, she don't mind.... Rogaine" -- Eric Clapton ----- Seen on comp.lang.c: "There is also a formula for directly finding the answer, but it uses square roots and such so is certainly not O(1), but certainly fast!" ----- "We are Homer of Borg! You will be assim...ooooo! Donuts!" -- ?? ----- "Gee I never realized the Omaha, the flat, boring place it is, is just a few hours drive for more flat, boring places..." -- Burt O. L. Hayes ----- "Now Shaku, be sure to eat your donut" -- Andy Worhol ----- "The Energizer Bunny" -- Chad ----- "I was thinking of building him a clue out of popsicle sticks." - Wayne ----- "Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive ... . We can rebuild him. We can make him stronger, faster, better. By hook, or by crook we will. You are number 6 million. I am not a number, I am a free man. You are the egg man. I am the walrus and the Karen Carpenter, And the resurrection and the light. Coo-Coo-Kajagoogoo" -- Brian Upton ----- "FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! no, i just found another simple bug..." -- TVL ----- "Tonight on Dave - Can a guy in a Bear Suit write Galaxy code?" -- Dave ----- "But without question, humans who write 40-parameter functions should be flayed; code maintained by humans with such functions should be recycled for toxic waste, and anyone encouraging such activity should be chopped into little pieces, jumped up and down upon, and then had something really nasty done to them." -- Jack Repenning ----- "Mentos" - The Mints of Fate ----- "The glass isn't half-full or half-empty - it's just partially devoid of beverage" ----- "Truthfully, feeding engineers has always beed a dicey proposition - either they are not happy with the quality or style of the food or they are not happy with the quantity." -- unknown ----- "Who am I? I'm 9-0-1-2-0" -- Jean Valjean ----- "The styling foam. The styling foam." -- Rolf ----- "It's not just a clarinet! It's a happy smile!" -- Mr. B. Natural ----- "My name is Homer Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to...ooh, donuts!" -- Keith N.l. ----- "pain courtesy of bob flanagan" -- NIN fixed ----- "it goes into such a deep hibernation state that most of its body actually freezes." -- TVL ----- "Or, god knows, `Fugitive Alien,' which was a bad Japanese ripoff of an American movie made into a TV show and cut together into two movies which were riffed by an American show into a whole new forklift folklore." -- Stuart Ferguson ----- "13 Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, 'They're more than meets the eye.'" ----- "Jim Henson's Mentos Babies" ----- "The kibo is the basic unit of bandwidth as applied to newsgroup propagation, as fundamental as the binary digit to processing. Hence the observation that in reality, Usenet is made up of nothing but kibos and bits." -- Scott Fisher ----- "Badgers are great, the toast of the town, Life is much sweeter with badgers around." -- crs2@aber.ac.uk ----- "Looking for Things, Things to make us Go. Tonight on A Pakled Home Companion" ----- "Torgo does look like a put-upon TA, don't he? 'I gIvE ThE LeCtUrEs WhIlE ThE MasTeR iS AwAy...' Torgo, the TA of Fate" -- James Heath ----- "Big Hand Little Hand Radio Dial" -- Negativland ----- "Holy Cow - you worship the thing that goes MOO!" -- Think Tree ----- " Barney Loves You! _-~~~~- - @ @ ' \ |\ .. | \ ' `. '\___/` .`. |\_ / `-____--// \ \/ .\\ \/ \ .' \\ | `. \ /' | \ | .' _| /`-__-'/ | \ ) )__ \__/ |___/ " -- John Baskette ----- "Are we not Fate? We are Manos" -- Devo ----- "C++ is the programming language of the future - and always will be." -- Daniel Rickey ----- "To quell potential rumors, to the best of my knowledge, Gates McFadden's dog does *not* have worms." -- moderator of rec.arts.startrek.info ----- "If a Trinitron monitor can make Windows look somewhat elegant then I say that is ONE HELL OF A MONITOR." -- Michael O'Neil ----- "From Now on there will be no "PC Police" They will be Called DifferentlyBigotedIdeologyMaintenanceProviders" - drieux ----- "It is a known fact that the only reason why blood is so commonly used in sacrifices and other religious rites is simply because THEY HAD NO KETCHUP" -- Bjorn Vaggen Konestabo ----- "Be careful. Poetry like this is best left to high school kids in black who like to think they're sad." -- morganc ----- "Bedrock does support a form of drag and drop. Development dragged on for about 2 years, and then was dropped." -- Brian Clark ----- "By the way, if at one point you had a job building molds in a factory does that make you a former former former?" -- Gary ----- "Just remember, on the information superhighway, we are the Hell's Angels." -- Tony Cunningham, alt.peeves ----- "Your conversation bores me. Now we dahnce." -- Dieter ----- "'Happy Happy Borg Borg Happy Happy Borg Borg!' - Rencutus" -- Keith.N.l ----- "Anime domino" ----- "Prepare RTLS transwarp test procedure. Verify systems check, transwarp safety test and transwarp simulator test. Transwarp initiation will follow verification of test procedure. Begin terminal count. One-ten microtime to transwarp initate." -- Elana Beach ----- "(pained gasp)" -- Geordie LaForge ---- "This isn't a pun - this is funny." -- Gary ----- "that does it. i'm killing myself...just as soon as i get the chance..." ----- "here, have a ')'. that's better..." -- TVL ----- "Green boy escaped. Blue boy escaped." -- Negativland ----- "A&W? Forget that stuff. I!B!C!" -- Blue Velvet, Smurf Edition ----- "Have you not read The Book? Do you not believe the miracles? Barny can rouse the sleeping (Third Cordovians, 15:69:1). Barney can walk across shag carpet (Genitals, 2:75). Barney can make the deaf to see (Genitals, 9:1.5). Barney lied for your sins (Locutus, 13:71)." -- Richard Ward ----- "If you have to take customer flack for your own bugs you're a lot less likely to put out garbage. " -- eric doc kampman ----- "Information Supercollider" -- Larry Lipsmeyer ----- "Member of the JoAnn Liebler fan club." ----- "Yup. We're re-naming everything. From now on, vhelp is called iuryc." -- gregt ----- "Chad K. Bisk, because cows aren't big enough" ----- "Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include the following: DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO. THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO. THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY DISAGREE WITH LEADER KIBO EITHER. HAVE A NICE DAY!" -- Leader Kibo, HappyNet Manifesto ----- "Besides, Jerry Pournelle has a very high opinion of Oberon, which will prevent any self respecting programmer from touching it :-)" -- Metthias Neeracher ----- "_Manos_ is on the cusp of poor quality between _Frankenstein_ and _The_Munsters_." -- Richard Romanowski ----- "ObTasteless: Jesus. It occured to me that *any* guy can claim to have *fucked* his mother, but who else could say that he busted his own mother's cherry? On the way *out*, no less!" -- Joseph Betz ----- "This product contains 25% less fat and 25% less sodium than regular luncheon meat based on a market survey" -- SpamLite Can. ----- "HappyNet: You like it, it likes you." -- HappyNet ----- "The future's so bright I gotta wear night-vision-light- amplification-goggles." -- James Strom ----- "I'm the wind, baby" -- Tom Servo ----- "ObClue: what is considered "left-wing" in America is considered "right wing" in most of Europe. What is considered "right wing" in America is considered foaming-at-the-mouth-dangerous-lunatic-with-toothbrush-moustache on this side of the Great Undrinkable." -- Charlie Stross ----- "I dreamt that Barney was actually operated by hordes of Smurfs. Doesn't it make a sick kind of sense? Annoying, precious to toddlers, some shade of blue. Was this a dream, or some bizarre prophecy?" -- Bart Schorsch ----- "I didn't write vtext, but I maintain one on TV" ----- "Infants metabolize caffeine very slowly." -- Caffeine FAQ ----- "A major study has found fewer suicides among coffee drinkers than those who abstained" -- Caffeine FAQ ----- "Soon I discovered that this lunch thing was real. Oscar Mayer was the devil. Jesus was a short-order cook previous to his career as a prophet. I found myself in love with the world and only one thing I could do, was spell it 'b-o-l-o-g-n-a'" -- Ministry, "Jesus built my Sandwich" ----- "AERATING THE MILK IN ANOTHER CONTAINER, THEN POURING IN A GLASS AND ADDING THE FOAM WITH A SPOON IS SACRILEGE." -- Caffiene FAQ, Section 6.2. - Cappuccino ----- "After posting, Erich hastily dons body armor as the ravening Randian hordes thunder towards him across the plains riding diesel locomotives with the sign of the dollar inscribed in gold on their cowcatchers. "A EQUALS A! EXISTENCE EXISTS!" ululate the crazed berserk legions, puffing on cigarettes furiously while the Surgeon General watches in horror. "PIRSIG EQUALS KANT! OUTLAW TAXES! AND DEATH!" bark a thousand throats. But, as the seemingly unstoppable torrent of Objectivist humanity closes relentlessly upon his tiny redoubt, Erich whips out a pitifully puny hand-held megaphone and warbles back, "Carl Beaudry." The hapless Randroids suddenly careen to a slamming halt, and wheel about in terror, faced with the prospect of an onslaught even more savage than their own. As they recede into the dust, a few brave Ayn-minions sputter, "Intellectual dishonesty!...We'll be back!"" -- Erich Schwarz ----- "If it weren't for C we would be programming in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL." ----- "ps 20/20 hindsight: string-based apis suck." -- andrew ----- "Daddy come here" -- Lords of Acid ----- "Know your endorser. Require identification. If endorsed by an X, the mark must be witnessed. Endorsement must be ink." -- VA Power ----- "Okay, every lightbulb fan should know that Wolfram 1) is the metal the filament of a lightbulb is made out of 2) is also known as "Tungsten" and chemically denoted "W" 3) atoms have 74 electrons in 6 shells and a mass of 183.85 g/mole 4) hence belongs to group VI, period 6, 6 also being the number of chemical engineers it takes to screw in a lightbulb, for reasons too obvious to elaborate on" -- Harold C.L.Baur, alt.fan.lightbulbs ----- "Jesus is coming soon and he needs a green card to MAKE.MONEY.FAST!" -- Usenet 1994 ----- "Okay, are you listening? First thing you do is gently place it on your doorstep, and then leave. DO NOT WATCH OR IT WON'T WORK! Eventually the light bulb fairy will arrive and take the deceased bulb to the great burial ground in New Mexico (no one is sure where) where hoards of the glorious little defunct bulbous wonders are said to sit in great mounds of frosted glass. The alternative is slightly more gruesome and involves vaseline and a midget. 'Nuff said?" -- Andrew Hopkinson ----- "While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish?" -- Sarte (actually by Marty Smith) ----- "you give me the anger, you give me the nerve carry out my sentence, i get what i deserve. i'm just an effigy to be disgraced, to be defaced, your need for me has been replaced. if i can't have everything, then just give me a taste." -- Barney ----- "Investigative Coding" is NOT a good way to design software, unless, possibly, you're working on certain Microsoft products ;-)" -- Jon W{tte ----- "I can see an accretive version of a 20 year old O/S requiring maybe 16M and a faster CPU (though leave off the GUI and UNIX is very happy in 4M), but something built from scratch? No way. Just what is it NT is *doing* with those resources?" -- Peter da Silva ----- "MILKY WHITE IS DEAD!" -- Jack ----- "Barney the Dinosaur sings! You faint... Barney sings! Barney sings! --More-- You have died. --More--" ----- X "Then again, the reason that you often lose one sock in the washer is someone leaving the washing machine set on odd parity :-)" -- Michael Ardai ----- "Now we're getting into Spook territory. SomeOne could be sniffing X server packets for the password keystrokes, or maybe they're bouncing lasers off of the window to listen to the user shouting "BADGERHOG" from 2 miles away. Personally, I believe that Space Aliens can read our thoughts. That's why I wear aluminum." -- Bork ----- "On the fifth day of Birthday, My true love got from me, Five chocolate lice! Four flowers smellin', Three poems a-rhymin', Two Barney dolls and A loaf of Spam with a cherry!" -- Mark LaUsenet Oracle ----- "I just want to lie down on my loaf of bread." -- Simonerdoo ----- "covered in coke and mescaline, still cannot fix this washing machine. washing this bowl, it used to be fine, just watching it turn in my ready systematic design" -- Nine Inch Nails (sorta) ----- " 'if i was twice the man i could be, i'd still be half of what you need' -- Nine Inch Nails So, if x = Trent, y = what you need, then 2x = 1/2 y, or, y = 4x. Taking the first derivative yields y'=4, meaning as trent changes we need him at an increasing (constant) rate. But in the liner notes to MotP he says "you don't need me anymore." This would indicate that as trent has changed, we now need him LESS than before, so the first derivative would have to be negative. This could only mean that trent has become more negative :) (that is, x is now a negative number). This seems to make sense, as his recent works are much more angst-filled than, say, PHM. However, in mr self destruct he says: "i am the need you have for more," indicating a one-to-one correspondence, or y=x. But this leads to a paradox. . . (4x != x) There is only one solution: x=0 of course. The answer was there all along! (now i'm nothing)." -- Buck Satan ----- "Remember Y'all, in Arizona immigration lawyers are in season year 'round!" -- Zalman Stern ----- "Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the hammer" -- Jim Edwards-Hewitt ----- "You ambitious puppy you." -- robt ----- "Personally, I think Zima (cons-vowel-cons-vowel) is evil because it's the opposite of Ubik (vowel-cons-vowel-cons). Also, the letters from "Ubik" and "Zima" can be used to form "Muzak" ("ibi" is left over). Coincidence?" -- Paul Callahan ----- "If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil..." ----- "DOH!" -- Brett ----- "Oh my god - the deletion of text caused the # of lines to increase!!" -- TC ----- "stale insects and Old Spice and flies, flies, flies" -- Nine Inch Nails ----- "You may also want to allow the user to update that table when a new Emperor appears." -- Erik van der Poel ----- "Welcome to vtext! It sure is irritating, isn't it?" -- David Zimmerman ----- "There's this kid Craig Shergold see and he's dying from cancer. His goal is to make the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest condom collection in the world..." ----- "Sorry, that's a bad user interface, and so it's not supported" ----- "thanks...i can always count on you to make me feel less warped than i though i was...." -- bevZ ----- "Gee, I woulda thunk you'd go for the folks in the Barney costumes. Probably about as sexless as you can get these days without being a special interest groups. (I can just see the Barnosexuals marching on DC, a sea of purple and green chanting 'I love you, you love me, all bow down to lord Barney...' Time to go find my purple bodypaint." -- what prompted bevZ's comment ----- "If a computer programmer learned to play the piano do you suppose his Bach would be worse than his byte?" -- Anonymous ----- "You look so precious" -- Tool ----- "ctxtScan = ctxtScan++;" -- TVL ----- "Getting drunk and picking up bar-ladies and writing metaphysics is a part of life" -- Robert M. Pirsig, "Lila" ----- "sig, sig, bo big, banana fanna fo fig, fie fi fo fig, sig!" ----- "Mr. Jones, please say the word 'pig'" -- Electro-shock Therapy Game Show ----- "Mr. Jones, please say the word 'time'." -- Electro-shock Therapy Game Show ----- "A long-since forgotten past-time: @@@ @@@@@@@ This abysmal gaming failure @@@@@ was soon followed by the ____ ||| popular rock-paper-scissors / / ===== we know of today. O /___/ ||| rock paper fusion" -- Nick Hart ----- "Principles of Aicluedo 1. Relax completely 2. Poise Clue-by-four 3. Whack Upside 4. Extend clue" ----- "You can't grep dead trees." -- Peter da Silva ----- [help]"'browse' 'client' 'con' 'dom' 'serv' when you start to run them together it gets interesting..." -- TVL ----- "(For those who don't know: this is the same wife that came with me to MacHack... on our honeymoon :-)" -- Jon W{tte ----- "Eric, bring your tuba by for surgery any time though -- I have the hammer and tongs -- no anesthesia though (and also the garden stuff)" -- Kippi ----- "And you know, you can't deny the utility of a word that can function as five separate parts of speech." -- Peter F. Dubuque ----- "Almost as much fun as watching paint boil" ----- "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare." -- Blair Houghton ----- "how much sump can a sump pump pump if a sump pump could pump sump?" ----- "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." -- Isaac Asimov ----- "*I would light my hair on fire and place a live salmon in my vest pocket to attract her. I know I'm in love when she can enjoy my salmon, but still respect my mind. I show her my love by doing interpretive dancing with fluorescent lightbulbs, followed by splashing multicolored dayglow paint against my thighs, and then dinner at McDonalds. And I know she loves me when there's an absence of gunfire and lawsuits." -- Unknown ----- " (____) ( O O) /-----------\ / / || | \/ / || |||| * ||||-----|||| ^^^^ ^^^^ No one was sure whether M.C. Escher's cow had four legs or eight " -- the Cow File ----- "ObLocationJoke: One waffle, raw, in a coffee mug and a side order of tobasco." -- Larry ----- "Vini Vidi Spami" ----- "you let me down, you ate your pudding (i am a midget) you made me frown, you ate your pudding (i am a midget)" -- Mr. Quickie Mart (Nine Inch Nails) ----- "========================================== | ,dP""8a "888888b, d8b "888b ,888" | | 88b " 888 d88 dPY8b 88Y8b,8888 | | `"Y8888a 888ad8P'dPaaY8b 88 Y88P888 | | a, Y88 888 dP Y8b 88 YP 888 | | `"8ad8P'a888a a88a;*a888aa88a a888a | | ;*;;;;*;;;*;;;*,, | | _,---'':::';*;;;*;;;*;;*d;, | | .-' ::::::::::';*;;*;dII; | | .' ,<<<,. :::::::::::::::ffffff`. | | / ,<<<<<<<<,::::::::::::::::fffffI,\ | | .,<<<<<<<<<;,::::::::::fffKKIP | | | ``<<<<<<>>>>;,::::fffKKIPf ' | | \ `mYMMV?;;;;;;;\>>>>>>>>>,YIIPP"` / | | `. "":;;;;;;;;;i>>>>>>>>>>>>>, ,' | | `-._``":;;;sP'`"?>>>>>=========. | | `---..._______...|<[Hormel | | | `=========' | =====================================(FL)=" -- ron@centerline.com ----- "No, he has coined the politically correct term for roadkill: Aspect Ratio Challenged." -- Bill Lynn ----- "Come on, open the door! This is love! This is real love! Open the door! You never met me! I wouldn't lie to you ten times in a row *xxxxhead*! Open the door, this is love!" ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! OWWWW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! LOVE LIED TO ME AGAIN!!! OW! OWWW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!" -- Sam Kinison ----- "Anyone for a game of Mutual Destruction?" ----- "Doggie dropped it." -- BHS ----- "Avoid the ground" ----- "&gettysburg" ----- "Think of 68K code as 'p-code' for Power Macs." -- Michael Peirce ----- "(C) 1992 McDonald's Corporation Printed in U.S.A. (26289) Patents Pending" -- TVL ----- "Dec Alpha - Intergraph for the 90's" ----- "That's no oatmeal, that's my wife!" -- Ed Devinney ----- "Shut UP you incredibly boring person!" -- Ed Devinney ----- "don't play that song, that achey breaky song I think it's driving me insane don't play that song, that irritating song, I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain" -- Weird Al ----- "The human race will decree from time to time: 'There is something at which it is absolutely forbidden to laugh.'" -- Nietzche on C++ ----- "Again, welcome to alt.syntax.tactical. We hope you join us in our discussions and learn. please use the knowledge acquired for good, not evil." -- alt.syntax.tactical FAQ ----- "Drug me with your crossword puzzles" -- Dead Kennedys ----- "I love you, You love me, That's called beastiality" -- Barney ----- "Visix Support - you're soaking in it..." -- Art Stine ----- "Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes" -- Joe Average CMU graduate ----- "I've found an optimal solution to the Traveling Salesman problem that runs in polynomial time. Remarkable algorithm. Unfortunately there's not enough space in this .sig to write it in." ----- "don't play that song, that achey breaky song ya know I hate that song a bunch and if you play that song, that nauseating song, it just might'n make me lose my lunch" -- Weird Al ----- "Arguing with an Engineer is like mud wrestling a pig. Pretty soon, you realize that the pig likes it!" -- Unknown ----- "What's wrestling to a pig?" -- L.L. Beanpole ----- "Come mister Jojoba, jojo me banannas." -- Harry Bronnerfonte ----- "I believe it was the author of "Baby Smash" or something similar who complained that his baby would occasionally hit the 3 finger salute. I don't know if a solution was posted, but the author can always wait a year or two and the problem will simply go away." -- Charlie Reiman ----- "Of course, When it comes to [computer] language religion, the heat of the argument is always inversely proportional to its importance" -- Stan Shebs ----- X "If not for the efforts of the Japanese, our language would still lack that amazingly handy "-zilla" suffix." -- unknown ----- "beat me up, only quicker" -- TVL ----- "I used to be bald and unattractive to women. Now, thanks to the Hair Club for Men I've got HAIR and I'm unattractive to women." -- Lupis Yonderboy ----- "Brain work will cause her [the "new" woman] to become bald, while increasing masculinity and contempt for beauty will induce the growth of hair on the face. In the future, therefore, women will be bald and will wear long mustaches and patriarchal beards." -Hans Friedenthal, Berlin University, 1914 ----- "Klaus Flouride for President." ----- "Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out." -- Ivanova ----- "Actually, the idea of Zima lasting even into 1995 is hysterical. I keep fighting the urge to have some guy show up on [Babylon 5], "Zo then I zays to him, nize ztation"...and five Narns just jump on him and beat the sh*t out of him, WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!" -- j.m.Straczynski ----- "Groove City baby" -- Bernard Purdie ----- "Sinclair says the secret word, and Voila! A duck will materialize out of the shadows, and Groucho Kosh will hand him $50." -- Jon Trudel ----- "Join the symbiosis mailing list: Mail c/o dax@ops.ds9.bajor.alphaquad.starfleet.federation.org" ----- "The real question is what does Kosh do? One theory has it 'sock, sock, sock, sock, sock, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, mandible truss, suction cup ribbons, tentacle sheath, left slime-dam, right slime-dam, eyestalk supporters, osmotic membrane wrap, encounter suit' but others disagree and say it's simply 'encounter suit.'" -- Tom Krajna ----- "However, since the last thing the Buddha wanted was veneration, perhaps we are insulting him by not insulting him. You have deeply troubled us" -- alt.buddha.short.fat.guy FAQ ----- "Sometimes a code base comes to an end, and you have to start over. Programmers like to do that once a year or so, managers don't want to see it more often than every ten years..." -- Jon W{tte ----- "The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Ninth Symphony." -- unknown ----- "You're looking at the glass half empty as you compare apples and oranges" -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "You have it all wrong. Clearly the ages [of mankind] are: First Age: Water Second Age: Beer Third Age: Zima" -- Steve Sarette ----- "People are like a box of chocolates... Yum!" -- Forrest Dahmer ----- "It's kinda like finger painting or legos, you just keep fumbling with the stuff, hopefully the end result is cool, but the trip along the way is entertaining." -- TVL ----- "Objects in calendar are closer than they appear" -- Stephan Somogyi ----- "Maybe we should actually teleport Barney onto the Enterprise (mutated into a slavering Barneyzilla due to a glitch in the transporter pattern buffers caused by a mysterious phased pulse plasmatic subspace regurgitronic variable-frequnecy tachyon particle beam emission generated by an old refrigerator one of the crew has brought aboard), and let him and the crew fight it out. _That_ epsiode I'd watch." -- Don Lloyd ----- "Every Mac toolbox call moves memory, except BlockMove()" ----- "_Everthing_ is `easy' as long as you are not the schmuck who has to implement it." -- Ron Guilmette ----- "when will Apple release Power Windows(tm of MSFT)? Power Doorlocks? PowerAssistedSteering? and the long-awaited PowerOutage" -- Ed Devinney ----- "These people look like something I would have found in the days I was delivering furniture out in places like Wooster, Enola, and other back-woods-dirt-road-chickens-in-the-front-yard places back during college" -- L.L. Beanpole ----- "It's not a bug. It's a warning." -- Richard Clark ----- "Special Thanx to the ROCKY MOUNTAIN ARSENAL CHOIR for the clubhouse scene in 'Chemical Warfare'" -- Dead Kennedys (Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables liner notes) ----- "The preprocessor doesn't _care_ what the symbols are called. You can name them after Greek gods for all it cares." -- Paul J. Lucas ----- "Does Bjarne Stroustrup ever run naked through the woods, drumming with the wolves? I think not." -- Jens Alfke ----- "Some people make a case that code should be written to tolerate bugs in surrounding code. I would much rather build in assertions and other safeguards to detect such things as they happen so that they can be fixed instead of just denied by other parts of the program." -- Pete Gontier ----- "i had to play doom" -- TVL ----- "When I'm just using Galaxy, I feel amazingly productive. Once I have to use the Sybase API it feels like I'm being dragged down into a stick pit of slime. Productivity drops like a mafia stoolie in concrete bunny slippers." -- L.L. Beanpole ----- "Scott's Lesson Learned The Hard Way #237: Never, ever complain about something unless you want the job." -- Scott T. Boyd ----- X "Tom [Cargil]'s suggestion with a further idea: Propsers of new [C++] features should be required to donate a kidney. That would - Jim [Waldo] pointed out - make people think hard before proposing, and even people without any sense would propose at most two extensions." -- Bjarne Stroustrup ----- "Why was a 'virtual base class' called *virtual*? Often, I just give the flip explanation 'well, virtual means magic' and carry on with some more urgent issue." -- Bjarne Stroustrup ----- "If you want to be hog-tied and gagged by your programming languge, use Ada instead [of Lisp], or ML if just being strongly handcuffed will suffice." -- Scott Fahlman ----- "oompa loompa doopity dod, a blindfolded Barney faces a firing squad" -- Ed Devinney ----- "The ozone in the water kills any single celled creatures in the tub. It also has bleached my rubber ducky." -- Paul Haas (http://hamjudo.com/index.html) ----- "borkware, cool." -- TVL ----- "Hello" -- the frog ----- "Dinner not ready... bort etry

izza" ----- "Yeah, I'm looking forward to Quicken 6. Undoubtedly it will be the work of dozens of earnest programming souls as well as hundreds of documenters, testers, product managers, and (of course) marketers. It should fit nicely in a 5MB RAM partition, run nearly as fast on a 8100/100 as Quicken 4 runs on an SE, use nifty Windows transplant fonts like Ariel and Courier New, support Option-Shift-Command equivalents for everything, and have a 2" border of docking palettes filled with buttons, pulldown menus and rulers. Won't it be nice when Quicken has some real FEATURES for a change?: -- Joseph Hall ----- "You *will* change jobs one day. You *will* work on projects larger than you can handle yourself one day. Get *used* to working with other peoples code, and adopt a style of coding that makes it easy to maintain *your* code for someone else. That's the professional thing to do." -- Jon W{tte ----- "ahead, Be alert! New traffic pattern" -- Purcellville, VA ----- "There are no mistakes - just happy little accidents" -- Bob Ross ----- "Cheeses: don't chew. Duck: no gristle. Some tea: pour, and pass the scone." -- Tool (Sober) ----- "I use the list manager to run both my toaster and vacuum cleaner." -- Gray Jones ----- "Personally, I've always found correct code more interesting than fast code." -- xmsb@borland.com ------ "Random 2 AM thoughts...can you go into an International House of Pancakes in Germany and order Luftwaffles...?" -- j.m.Straczynski ----- "I contend that the *biggest* advantage of C++ over C is that it forces programmers to *think* first, rather than just code." -- Frank Greco ----- "Of course for CS students i agree, they should be pumped so full of arcana that it will ooze out inappropriately at social occasions." -- Todd Hoff ----- "Please start reading at page 1 of a C or C++ book." -- Paul J. Lucas ----- "A chainsaw is an excellent tool for cutting limbs, but it does not discriminate between those of a tree and those of its wielder." -- Christopher P. Caserio ----- "I am Pentium of Borg, You will be approximated" - unknown ----- "Guess we'll find out tomorrow!" -- L.L. Beanpole ----- "Most OO languages don't require explicit handling of memory, so the inherent bother and complexity of handling other resources can stand out like a sore thumb on a healthy hand. [...] With C++, all your fingers are really sore, but you have the compensation that no finger seems particularly worse than the others." -- Doug Morgan ----- "Consider changing that rule, or using the PureLink option: -no-hardlink=no (same as -hardlink=yes). See the manual for more information." -- PureLink ----- "Consider changing that rule, or using the PureLink option: -no-hardlink=no (same as -hardlink=yes). See the manual for more information." -- PureLink ----- "Consult the handy operator chart found in most C++ books." -- Paul J. Lucas ----- "Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive attempt to keep up with Apple." -- Byte 12/94 ----- "Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of microcomputer technology for the past 2.5 decades as a massive attempt to (catch) up with 70's mainframes." -- Mike Fidler ----- X "I am sure you have all seen those "Raid Jackets" on the TV cop shows. The ones that say DEA, SHERIFF, POLICE, PARAMEDIC etc. Well, I want one that says SUSPECT. I will keep it in the car. Then when I drive past a cop scene, I will get out of the car, put on my SUSPECT raid jacket and stand around. I wonder what they will do when they realise, that not only do the good guys now have jackets so you can spot them, but the bad guys do too." -- Julian Macassey ----- "I love you, you love me... PULL!" -- Ed Devinney ----- "'Course, I love that sort of thing, but the experiential and sensorial regurg certainly takes its toll. Sometimes after posting, I have to lay down with a cold towel over my face and slowly sip warm Fresca with a straw. Since the towel usually absorbs most of the Fresca, I'm left feeling quite unrefreshed and incomplete. Not to mention thirsty." -- Tae H Kim ----- "Do you know what it feels like to have the _smell_ of Fresca all over your face, but not being able to taste it? Maddening, I tell you. I'd quit it altogether, but many people on the street compliment me on the 'citris-y' scent of my cologne. Or could they be taunting me, with their sly, knowing looks. Bastards. Someday I'll have my revenge." -- Tae H Kim ----- "LOC is the hacker's metric" -- Chris Edwardson ----- "Booch to the head" -- L.L. Beanpole ----- X "(There is no truth to the rumor that a delta will be issued to fix bugs discovered when Gamma's code was beta-tested on an Alpha.)" -- Norman H. Cohen ----- "Stephen Herrero (1970, 1988) suggests that many bear attacks are the result of habituating bears to human activities -- particularly by feeding them garbage. Garbage fed bears begin to associate humans with food, and can't tell when marshmallows stop and your arm begins. They also have a hard time telling the difference between plastic garbage bags and sleeping bags." -- Diane Kelly ----- "Scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, whipped, beaten, chained and pierced. *THE BEST HASHBROWNS IN THE WORLD*!" -- Waffle House '95 ----- "Bald riders should avoid helmets with big top vents or expect some funny tan lines." -- Bicycle Helmet Safety Institute ----- "9) Although it doesn't help to put Pepto-Bismol on open wounds, it sure looks cool to be bleeding bright pink." -- Jon Konrath ----- "In olden times, we thought there were four basic elements of the universe: earth, water, air, and fire. Now we know there are *really* for basic states of matter: solid, liquid, gas, and plasma. Three cheers for progress." - _Analog_ ----- "11) Pepto-Bismol tablets can be used to make pink chalk outlines of dead bodies." -- Jon Konrath ----- "12) If you pour Pepto-Bismol in your ear and then fire a gun to puncture your eardrum, the fluid will run down the back of your throat and feel really weird." -- Jon Konrath ----- "No. Any man can fuck a Marine, but it takes a real pig to fuck a Marine to death." -- John Hollister ----- "The Galaxy release process is like a bad blow job" -- Brad Brighton ----- "For example, doors in the hallway swallow objects and place them inside their rooms." -- MagicCapDocs ----- "The world will miss him The world will mourn Kurt Cobain The world is stupid" -- anonymous ----- "There once was a man from Zaire Who died of ebola this year His kidney and gut Shot right out his butt And his brains bled out of his ear." --Benjamin Jacoby ----- "In space, Beethoven can't hear you scream." -- dangi ----- "If you were to design a house from Use Cases, it would not be obvious that you need a roof." -- unknown ----- "Clues are available at the window in the back, next to the lives" -- Steven P. Cranford ----- "Of course the best apocalyptic movie was Mad Max II (Road Warrior). Recently ripped off for $200,000,000 as Waterworld - Mad Max on water." -- Julian Macassey ----- "I can remember the details, but not the specifics" -- Frank Raflo ----- "the Windows API has done more to retard skill development than anything since COBOL maintenance." -- Larry O'Brien ----- "'Voyager' has done a magnificent job in its first season of treading water. The problem with treading water is that eventually you need to pick a destination and make progress ... or you drown." -- Tim Lynch ----- "This game lends itself to silliness, since anyone who'd claim that smiley-faced guys in brightly colored space suits are the galaxy's most fearsome warriors has to be a little warped." -- E. O'Dell, Lego-Wars manual ----- "They're Justified, and they're Ancient, and they drive an Ice Cream Van. They're Justified, and they're Ancient, with still no master plan The last plane left an hour ago, they were singing 'all aboard' all bound for Mu-Mu land, and someone was screaming, Turn up the strobe" -- Tammy Wynette ----- "They're Justified, and they're Ancient, and they like to roam the land They're Justified, and they're Ancient, I hope you understand They called me up in Tennessee, they said 'Tammy, stand by the JAMs' But if you don't mind what they're going to do, better not stop them `cause they're coming through" -- Tammy Wynette ----- "Zager and Evans in their staggering 'In The Year 2525', a Number One in 1969, took the unprecedented decision of moving their song up a key for every new verse. This added to the stunning qualities of the record. Something that today's 7" single buyers could not handle." -- The KLF Manual ----- "2) Programming is experimental epistemology." -- Thant Tessman ----- "Some of us feel that night is day, too, but that doesn't make it true." -- Jim Edwards-Hewitt ----- "The Babylon project was our last, best hope for pizza" ----- "Who woke up this morning humming 'While My G'Kar Gently Weeps'" -- jms ----- "As Homer S. Pak'ma'ra would say : 'Mmmmmmmm.....Naaaarnnnnn.....'" -- Jeff Soesbe ----- "Although I can't see how anyone could avoid falling in love with Delenn. She seems like the perfect woman, to me, even though she's a seventy year old alien with a big horn around her skull." -- Larry Partridge ----- "Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!" ----- "I don't want the keywords highlighted anymore than I want the prepositions in green and the verbs in blue when I read English" -- Peter Seebach ================== ----- "Caution -- Godzilla is closer than he appears." ----- "Caffeine is not a drug: it's a vitamin!" -- TVL ----- "ObPeeve: too many people still can't think their way out of a wet paper bag and insist on being happy about it." -- Dan Sorenson ----- "Ask not what spam can do for you, but ask what you can do for spam." - John F. Kennedy ----- "it may come back as another vresourceID or it may come back as the Dalai Lama. It all depends upon whether you roll with a 6-sided or 12-sided die." -- Kristopher L. Tyra ----- "MS-DOS: amputated UNIX... ...Windows: Mac with a lobotomy" -- Peter Castine ----- "I am you, you are me, we are the same entity..." -- brianh on Barney ----- "I think pretty soon EOs will out number BMWs in the medical field." -- Michael Cerda ----- "... repeat to yourself, 'It's just a show, I should really just relax'" ----- "Je pense, donc, je suis spam." ----- "right now there are women panting in funky stereo effects... more and more of the music i buy seems to have this..." -- TVL ----- "life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on this is necessary" -- Tool ----- "When I get old, I'm gonna retire to Reston and complain about vtext Full Time." -- D. Zimmerman ----- "I vote that we make the designer/author of the vtext object a net-pinata." -- Frank Greco ----- "_____ |\ /| | O | |/_\|" ----- "Run along, child. You're way out of your depth here, as you'd be anywhere there was noticeable dewfall, and you wouldn't want to get hurt." -- Geoff Miller ----- "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine" -- Billy Idol ----- "'/dev/reality' has changed; re-reading symbols." ----- "Did you know that if you killed every human alive right now, and lined 'em up, they'd make a dead human bridge from here to the moon? Too bad you'd be the only one around to build it, walk on it, and subsequently be impressed by it." -- GregT ----- "Remember the I18N slogan: "the one datatype in C that MUST NOT be used for characters is 'char'"." ----- "Anyone for a game of TEGWAR?" ----- "Q: Prove the existence of any single object other than yourself." ----- "ross in a sling slipped on ice" ----- "planes are for arriving. trains are for travelling." -- Alexander Vrchoticky ----- "Why, it's just simplistic, that's all. Anyone who reads the net for anytime at all would agree that while all too many posters are still in the "oral" phase of development, there are legions of other posters (alt.tasteless comes to mind) that have clearly progressed to the 'anal' phase." -- ataylor (Nosy) ----- "ObTasteless: Hillary Clinton and Cokie Roberts gently caressing each other, each secretly wishing the other would seize command and break out a whip." -- John Hollister ----- "Newsgroup alt.sex.fetish.amputee does not exist!" ----- "On the sixth day, God created man in his image. On the thirteenth day, the Devil created woman in her own." ----- "ObQuestionableTaste: A professor at a recent conference, waxing eloquent on saints' relics, started going on about how no church could claim to have a piece of Jesus's body since of course he rose from the grave and went up to heaven, taking all his body bits with him. I had to interrupt him to point out that the Holy Foreskin wouldn't have been included in the Ascension Package. After an embarrassed silence, there ensued a 20 minute discussion of Christ's circumcised choad." -- Jo Miller ----- "When you hear someone from Microsoft, fill your heart with compassion for those less fortunate than yourself." -- Jon W{tte ----- "The moral of the story: Don't ever, ever, ever (I mean it) put a flammable substance on your genitals." -- Rick Bruch ----- "I personally banned myself from using the phrase 'my wife' because it implied a whiny, manipulative, psychotic bitch with the Deliverance "hill people" for an immediate family." -- Joseph Betz ----- "Say, do you suppose that snowmen have dry dreams?" -- Sean McAfee ----- "With fronds like this, who needs anenomies?" ----- "Wow. Say it backwards. Wow." -- Ed Devinney ----- "How does the guy that drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?" -- Jeff Ferguson ----- "Anybody ever use 'Preditor'? I nearly had an orgasm when I saw everything that this program could do. Nearly every feature mentioned in this thread was available. Unfortunately you couldn't get through a 10 minute edit session without the thing crapping out and ruining your data. This product was 3 years ahead in terms of functionality and 30 years behind in terms of reliability." -- Michael Barton ----- "But a piercing is tactile; you can touch it, even lick it, without fear of getting whale puke all over your tongue." -- Elf Sternberg ----- "DO NOT PUSH" ----- "Oui, mem sahib. Me onum phone. Me talkum customers. White man use strange words like "crash" and "bug" and "@#$@^#$". Me no likum support. Ugh." -- Wes ----- "Well, obviously! 'Wanker' is really nothing more than a disdainful dismissal of ineptitude. 'Fuckhead,' on the other hand, implies active, full-strength wrongheadedness. It's a far more potent insult, an insult with teeth. If 'wanker' is lite beer, 'fuckhead' is whiskey." -- Geoff Miller ----- "rules for programming: 1. User 2. User 3. User" -- Bretton Wade ----- "It's better to encourage progress than to defend stagnation." -- Pete Gontier ------ "don't play that song, that achey breaky song the most annoying song I know and if you play that song, that achey breaky song I might'n blow up my radio. ----- "I'm just offering my thoughts and opinions. They dont necessarily reflect a reality." -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "And I'll bring the hard-hats!" -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "This information is absolutely reliable; I read it on Usenet somewhere." -- Scott Larnach ----- "Do you like green onions?" -- Mr. Lee ----- "Unix system programmers will often talk about the connection between a client and a server as the Client-Server Relationship. (Indeed, for many programmers, this is the most enduring relationship they have ever had.)" -- Harley Hahn (Student's Guide To UNIX) ----- "Wee--bles Wee--bles Wob-ble!" -- Queen ----- "NEW YORK_____ =*- Jesus -*= |__ _|_ |__ Which way are | | |__ you going? | |__ | |__ | |_____DETROIT |_______ -Buddha-Hinduism-Confucius-Mohammed-" -- ss1@unh.edu... sorta ----- "Card-carrying member of the American Association of Redundancy Association of America member with card" -- Ben Hutchins ----- "Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM!" - Ivanova ----- "the contours of Jerry's skull are an exact copy of the surface of Jupiter's moon Callisto, thereby proving that HRH Dean Churchill is actually the God Emperor of Dune. QED." -- Dan Gilliam ----- "The result is that the Lisp community has produced dog slow, cache-buster environments with huge working sets. [But don't worry, the C++/Unix communities are rapidly catching up. You should what the Unix kernel looks like these days.]" -- Mike Haertel ----- "vut - 2 - 3 - 4 vut - 2 - 3 - 4" -- seanm ----- "Give a hoot - don't dilite!" -- Woodsy, the AntiBronner ----- "It is interesting to note that in my 22 line split buffer, I cannot find a line to scroll to where there is not some piece of code on the screen that makes me gag. Not just because it is bad, but because there are even better ways of doing it incorrectly. Even including the opening comment." -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "Q: Why did the Vorlon cross the road? A: You are not ready for that knowledge." ----- "Q: How many Vorlons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sinclair's duck." -- Franklin Hummel ----- "...every time I look at these people who use computer bulletin boards, particularly in the world of science fiction, I want to do something smart like take an uzi and wipe them out." -- Harlan Ellison ----- "GCS/MU d- H s+:++ g++++++ !p au+ a- w+ v+? C++ SU++ P--- L 3 E+++ N++ K+++ W------ M++++ V -po+ Y+ t++ 5++++ j- R G? tv+ b D- B--- e++ u+++(---)* h- f++ r++ n- y?(*) " ----- "'bodybag' and 'doggiebag'. Coincidence? I don't think so." ----- "dummyStr is allocated with just one byte for the NULL terminator, but you are copying the entire gSsnString to it. as such, you are writing over the other stuff on the stack. don't do that." -- Joshua Golub ----- "This is the kind of totally-gross-out-sick stuff you can do with C++ that makes the language kind of neat." -- Keith Rollin ----- "Visual C++ for NT is like all other Microsoft products: incredibly functional, to a fault. Slow. Big. Broken. Frustrating." -- Scott Barta ----- "But they're still a more diverse group of Europeans (Martian Catholic, Russian Jew, ex-alcoholic Atheist) than you might find on other SF shows." -- Allen W on B5 ----- "A man, a plan, a yam, a can of Spam ... Bananama!" -- Jens Alfke ----- "What's the height of optimism? A trombonist with a pager." ----- "i had to explain ozob" -- TVL ----- "I have a cube so small that if, after getting a routine to work, I roll my chair back so I can leap to my feet and yell "Yee HA!" I actually smack my head on the wall and sustain grevious injury." -- Brian "Yee HA! Ouch!!!" Horblit ----- "Sexy DemoMan, they've taken away your number, and they've given you a name." ----- "rock and roll sucking chest wound." -- Chris Lipsmeyer ----- "The first technical meting [of the ANSI C++ standardization committee] was hosted by AT&T in Somerset, New Jersey, in March 1990. AT&T gained that honor not because of any judgement about the company's contribution to C++, but because we ... decided to schedule the first years' meetings based on the weather. Thus, Microsoft hosted the second meeting in Seattle in July, and Hewlett-Packard hosted the third meeting in Palo Alto in November. This way, we had splendid weather for all three meetings and defused jockeying for status among the corporations represented." -- Bjarne Stroustrup ----- "The volume of interest and public debate is often inversely proportional to the importance of a feature." -- Bjarne Stroustrup ----- "Speaking for the moment as an atheist, if I am elevated anywhere near godhood, then I will have to stop believing in myself, and I don't think I could handle the added insecurity at this stage of my life...." -- j.m.Straczynski ----- "Oh! Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! He doesn't bite, and he doesn't squeal, He just runs around on his Hamster Wheel! Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! Hey Harvey!" -- Weird Al. ----- "Real people bend better than plastic people" -- Sharlotte DeVere ----- "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you'd be writhing on the ground in unspeakable agony, bleeding from every orifice, with your blackened skin falling away in ragged strips." -- Geoff Miller ----- "the obvious answer is also the wrong answer" -- gregt ----- == stuff that's not been databased is below here == "We've secretly replaced Henryk Gorecki's third symphony with Folger's Crystals. Let's see what happens..." ----- "alt.sex.bestiality.cookie-monster: COOKIE!! ME WANT COOKIE TOO!!!" ----- "Remember kids, when you know you are absolutely correct about something make sure you put as many people in the "To:" line of your mail so that they all know what a idiot you are when you're proven to be wrong." -- L.L. Beanpole ----- "VUE's like an mwm-on-steroids, or an emasculated Looking Glass." -- Doogie Hofmann, UI [GP] ----- "Software engineering comes later. Let them enjoy life for a semester or two first." -- Patrick D. Logan ----- "Talk about bloated!" -- TVL ----- "Analysis means 'understand the problem'. Design means 'plan the solution'." - John DiCamillo ----- "it won't give up it wants me dead goddamn this noise inside my head" -- nine inch nails ----- "I despise rules of thumb because they often preclude thought." -- Paul J. Lucas ----- "God told me to skin you alive" -- Dead Kennedys ----- "Remember, never try to write to ROM - it wastes your time and annoys the ROM." - Mike Engber ----- "It is quite easy to write code that is rife with inheritance and polymorphism, and yet is not reusable or maintainable." -- Robert Martin ----- "I won't say OOP and x-platform libraries have no value, but I do often think that a main reason for their push is that organizations want to be able to produce good software with crappy people, and that's a bit of a pipedream." -- Jeff Rogers ----- "it's easy to equate sloppy spelling with sloppy thinking, and it's the only way (apart from the content :-) to judge persons by on the 'net" -- Jon W{tte ----- "There's a difference between plug and commercials. Plugs are what happens when Mobil tells you that the episode of Mystery you're about to watch was made with their money. Commercials are what happens when Voyager is interrupted with Intel commercials." -- Jason Newquist ----- "Code like the above should be taken out and shot." -- Paul J. Lucas ----- "The current cost of [mac] tools and interfaces and documentation works well as a whiner filter; if you spend some money, you're most probably serious enough to give it some thought of your own." -- Jon W{tte ----- "Will you still call it 'MAC' or will you wise up and realize that Mac is short for Macintosh and not an acronym for anything? You PC guys are always capitalizing everything..." -- John West ----- "But there is more to Ann Arbor than cumputers, redneck whitebread inbread jock-o-rama meathead fratboys, stupid hippies, and pretentious gentrified coffeehouses." -- ButterBoy (http://www.umich.edu/~dugsong/index.html#ButterBoy) ----- "I would like to close the unfortunate chapter, called 'language bashing'. I suggest that one way to do this, is for all of us to go to the bathroom, look ourselves in the mirror, and in a low but firm voice say: 'Grow Up.'" -- Robert Martin ----- "If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, its probably a duck. (or at least a re-usable substitute :-)" -- drr@terrapin.raleigh.com ----- "There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." -- C.A.R. Hoare ----- "If you haven't helped a unix box to lock up, you haven't really programmed for unix" -- Howard Berkey ----- "C is not a language, it's digital sabotage!" -- Ingemar Ragnemalm ----- "Some Things That You Can Try At Home: #4 Selectively remove resources from some one else's product and see what kind of stupid things it does. Submit bug reports" - Steve Jasik ----- "We're going to really have to suck to fail" -- Robert Beltran (Chakotay) ----- "Every time they want a [reaction] shot, they go to Harry. I've perfected 20 ways to look surprised." -- Garrett Wang ----- "Where the original Star Trek series was about innocent exploration, _Next Generation_ about benign imperialism, and _Deep Space Nine_ about the furrows in Avery Brooks' brow, _Voyager_ has a different, more classical context" -- Ken Tucker ----- "Vorlons, Minbaris, and Narns - oh my!" ----- "OO is not simply the creation of a bunch of real world objects that pass messages to each other in the bright spring sunshine. OO is an engineering discipline that guides us to select the appropriate objects, and the appropriate interfaces and the appropriate messages for the particular kind of application we are dealing with." -- Robert Martin ----- "Old Macintosh Pluses never die, they are just moved to dormitories." -- Eric Dyer ----- "Groovy!" -- Earthworm Jim ----- "I have nothing against C, except that I can't stand coding, debugging or maintaining it." -- Mike Leahy ----- "Of course, this assumes that a *good* shit involves profuse rectal bleeding, cold sweats, and agonized weeping." -- Ed "Not to mention the goose flesh" Ming ----- "I don't think we'll be doing a 900 number ever, frankly; though I find the idea of 1-900-ASK-KOSH more than just a little amusing. 'Hello, this is Julie from Wisconsin, and I was wondering if I will be successful in my new job?' 'Beauty...in the dark.' " -- j.m.Straczynski ----- "...and the dynamics of the memory manager are different, including different algorithms and different block sizes causing the different algorithms to act differently (see, things really are different)" -- Macintosh Tech Note ME14 - The New Memory Manager and You ----- "(for some reason users find offscreen windows hard to read)" -- Mac DTS ----- "I think compilers for the personal computer market are likely to be optimized not so much for code quality as for time-to-market (of the compiler)." -- Larry Kilgallen ----- "Embagelized" -- Virginal governer George Allen ----- "As always: speculation about performance isn't terribly interesting, and the result of the speculation is usually wrong. Measurement of performance is interesting, and if the measurement is done right, the results can be meaningful." -- John Baxter ----- "In general, over the eight years I've been observing test automation, I'd say that 85% of GUI automation was either a complete waste or otherwise not better than doing it by hand." -- James Bach ----- "However, if a program has many source-syntax errors, we should expect many logic and coding errors as well - after all, a slob is a slob is a slob" -- Boris Beizer ----- "The best test techniques are useless when applied to abominable code and systems that were not designed. It is sometimes easier to totally redisign a bad routine than to attempt to create tests for it" -- Boris Beizer ----- "Is it really true that at the end of the month, artificial insemination clinics sell the leftovers to the Cool Whip people at a discount?" -- Geoff Miller ----- "They say that from the moment of birth we begin to die, and that personal growth can be painful. So with that in mind, may you die slowly, and painfully." -- Ed Ming ----- "A lot of people seem to spend a lot of time in optimising the space their source code takes up on the disk instead of doing something more useful....." -- Mike Chapman ----- "Get used to it. Anticipate it. Use the mouse button. Kill the segments. Get the yummies. Be excellent to each other." -- Jonathan Feinberg ----- "It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acuire speed, The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion." -- Seen on the net ----- "We love Jesus - bleeding, nailed to the cross. That's our symbol. No one's interested in the Christ who was resurrected and ascended to heaven. We want to be /martyrs/, /losers/; we don't want to succeed. Poor babies, praying to the poor baby. When Man fell to his knees, he became the asshole he is today." -- Carlos Castaneda ----- "Now, in my experience, when cats puke it is a sudden, almost explosive occurrence. Dogs on the other hand, go through a long and protracted sequence of heaves, each one more heartfelt than the last, until slowly, oh so slowly, the unspeakable gobbet of whatever it is that dogs put in their stomachs emerges into the light and oozes to the floor." -- Rat Thing ----- "Coding standards or guidelines will not make good programmers out of bad programmers. They have absolutely no effect at all on the correctness of the code that a programmer produces. You cannot legislate good design." -- Robert Martin ----- "Chad. In the Rubber Room. With a stale Twinkie." -- Art Stine ----- "If a centipede a pint, and a millipede a quart, how much would a precipice?" -- Chris Tanis ----- "There's an art statement in whipped cream shooting out the ass of a giraffe, isn't there?" -- Frank Zappa ----- "If you can't explain it to someone else, You don't understand it yourself." ----- "Does anyone else find paper clips to be mildly arousing?" ----- "He better keep movin' and don't stand still. If the `skeeters don't get him then the gators will. Runnin' like a dawg through the everglades" -- Kingston Trio ----- "The benefits of reuse cannot be underestimated (I count reuse of the writing, reuse of the debugging, reuse of the tuning, reuse of the interface, reuse of the porting, and (as a friend at HP pointed out) reuse of licensing and legal footwork), and thus, I am willing to put up with a substantial amount of pain to get it." -- David Chase ----- "3. Start ParaSET. -- You've already done this, or you wouldn't be reading this online documentation. But for the record: start a session by typing: paraset " -- ParaSET on-line docs ----- "For an insistent, immediate, and rude exit, you can use the slay function provided in the ParaSET tools directory. Use the syntax: slay -9 This is the equivalent of doing a ps and grep to find all your ParaSET processes, and a kill -9 to kill them. Slay also frees up other system resources used by ParaSET." -- ParaSET on-line docs ----- "Smells like teen spirit? No, smells like fresh gray matter. But not much of it." -- Adam J. Thornton ----- "I highly reccommend fishing in Puget Sound. There aren't as many dogfish left as there used to be, but just about every fish you pull out now has some sort of tumor." -- Chris Kilbourn ----- "the implementation doesnt define the correct behavior, it just implements the current one." -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "Give a man a fish: feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish: feed him for life. Teach a hundred men to fish: empty the lake of fish." -- Tim Poston ----- "Let's rock." -- Eric Wiseblatt ----- "Here's the order of terror on the road: truckers->drivers->motorcyclists->bicyclists->skaters->pedestrians" -- CJ ----- "Angular momentum of the wheels, and centripital forces don't mean diddly when you are riding in a straight line." -- Ryan Border ----- "Be careful or be roadkill" -- Calvin ----- "The key to rollers is to not watch any races with twisting courses our descents. Your enthusiasm will cause you to crash." -- K. Fouts ------ "I am your angel of mucous" -- Famine of the Opera ----- "Prima Donner, First sandwich of the Greeks" -- Famine of the Opera ----- "A bad day of cycle commuting is better than a good day on the freeway in a car." -- Seppanen Gordy ----- "If they honk at me, I wave. If they shout at me, I wave and say Hi! If they act impatient, I smile as I wave them around. but, If they crowd me off the road, I take their number. If they touch me, I sue." -- Bikin' Fred Meredith ----- "Like my (automobile) driving instructor used to say: when the light turns green, yield to the idiots, wait for the taxi drivers, then go slow." -- Simon Hawkin ----- "Very funny. Now beam down my clothes, Scotty." ----- "Bed rest. Plenty of fluids. Aspirin every 6 hours. And one very heavy mallet-whack every two hours. You'll get better, I promise." -- j.m.straczynski ----- "(General notice...I've seen just about every article, message and document on carpal tunnel syndrome; the last thing this forum needs is to get filled with more messages on the subject. Pretend you've sent it, and I'll be fictionally grateful, and we'll both save a lot of time and cyberspace.)" -- j.m.straczynski ----- "@Buj zedf plev aqvir mummsko!@" -- robt ----- "Klatka hota krut gogolka!" -- nik ----- "All implementations of Magic Cap 1.0 have a screen size of 480 by 320 pixels. Future versions may support other screen sizes. One pixel equals 256 microns (a micron is one millionth of a meter)." -- MagicCapDocs ----- "If the user releases the touch and the target returns kSpitOut, the sliding viewable hops back to its original position and DragTrack calls SpatOut to give the target a chance to perform some action, such as posting an announcement." -- MagicCapDocs ----- "NO TOOL WILL SUBSTITUTE FOR GOOD SOFTWARE ENGINEERING!" -- Joey Jarosz ----- "Two drunks were walking home one night. They stopped on a bridge to pee. "Oh, look at the fish playing in the moonlight! They're so happy!" "You're not a fish, you can't know whether they're happy or not." "You're not me, you can't know whether I know or not." -- Taoist parable ----- "The tooth is out there" ----- "One of the problems that I have seen repeatedly is that management does not understand software. Throw in a handful of unrealistic schedules, take away adequate resources, simmer for a long time, and suddenly you have a Dilbert strip." -- Michael O'Hair ----- X "I am Kow of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Moo." -- unknown ----- "Easier? It never gets any easier. (Nor should it. The minute it becomes something you toss off quickly, easily, is the moment you should get out of the business.) If anything, it gets harder, because you're constantly trying to out-do what you did last week." -- j.m.straczynski ----- "When you sell the car, it's amazing what cool bike toys you can afford! :-)" -- Fred Ecks ----- "Small glitches aside, I bless the day my wife and I decided to have three children; two for love, the third for spare parts." -- Philip M. Garvey ----- "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off." -- Jack Brown ----- "A rather unusual way to dismount from a bicycle. (*) __o (*)|-__o- --+ --| \ / |__ o - \o/ o _`\<,_ --/ \ @\| \o | o/ o/--- /\ | /|\ (*)/ (*) (*) (*)` ( \ /o\ / ) | (\ / | / \ / \ "-- minyard4 ----- "It amazes me that cultures and peoples that are nearly identical in their weird beliefs, practices, and superstitions always seem to want to kill each other off because they're so 'different;." -- Joseph Betz ----- "Play ze Vashington Poahst" ----- "It occurs to me that Hiroshima/Nagasaki reflect the increasing trend towards 'instant gratification' extant in this century. Time was, an Air Force general could take a couple hours, burn a city down, you know, do it RIGHT. Nowadays, one quick WHOOSH and you're done. Where's the fun in that?" -- Mitchell Marmel ----- "[ Ring around the mushroom. Pocket full of posey. All fall down - dead. I like to see someone draw this. ]" -- 'Roberta' Hatch ----- "A watched build tree never compiles" ----- "Jeopardy with tasteless categories: Celebrity Sex Scandals, Serial Killers, and Things Removed from People's Rectums." -- Andrew Shore ----- "Wheel of Misfortune (7:00 pm): contestants spin The Wheel and suffer the consequences ('Oh, you lose a hand! Vanna, bring the axe.')" -- Andrew Shore ----- "Look, we have fifty thousand automobile fatalities per year, and we're lucky if we recycle a few organs. Perfectly good meat is being buried in the ground, or incinerated. That meat should go to straight to McDonald's." -- Rev. Korda, Church of Euthanasia (http://www.paranoia.com/coe/) ----- "War for Americans is a fun little adrenalin kick. Genocide is overlooked by the free world's leaders, unless there's an economic incentive to say no. Governments get away with whatever they can. Psychological depression is endemic. Laws are a game to play with. There are traces of human waste in every corner of the world's oceans. Many people think God is dead. No news here, I just thought I'd summarize before going on." -- Church of Euthanasia (http://www.paranoia.com/coe/) ----- "The Dairy Council tells us: Milk is nature's most perfect food. The Dairy Council doesn't tell us: Milk is nature's most perfect food for a baby calf, who has four stomachs, will double its weight in 47 days, and is destined to weigh 300 pounds within a year." -- Church of Euthanasia (http://www.paranoia.com/coe/) ----- "When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs. When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I was innocent. When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I didn't own a gun. Now they've taken the first amendment, and I can say nothing about it." -- http://www.paranoia.com ----- "Maybe Disney can use this idea for their next feature, 'Pocahantas II: Lust of the Mohicans'." -- Andrew Shore ----- "A little less haste and a little more courtesy and this world would be a more pleasant place in which to live." -- Steve Ciccarelli ----- "they travel the world in their ice cream van they voyage to the bottom of time they have been to the place where the Mu-Mu mate and the children still cry, 'Mine's a ninety-nine!'" -- The KLF ----- "Even if you want it to sound like a real bass guitar, a sampled sound of a bass guitar will be used, then programmed. It's easier than getting some thumb-slapping dick head in." -- The KLF Manual ----- "I had the great good fortune to live in Japan for about 8 or 9 months, back in the mid 80s. Being a Brit, it was a delightful pleasure to return to the traditional values that served the British Empire well - misogyny, rampant xenophobia, a hierarchical class system beyond belief and a blind obedience to ill-deserved authority." -- Spike Young ----- "Watching 'Elogium' was very much like listening to a pair of sweaty munchkins discuss sex while giant spermatozoa pummel you from all sides." -- Thor Iverson ----- "The calls were finally traced. The retiree that owned the tank knew nothing about the auto-dialer, and said she was very sorry that her oil tank was making crank calls." -- Scott Drown ----- "Religion, nowadays either is used as cheap and transparent support for narrow, short-sighted selfishness (some conservatives use it this way), or even is cynically exploited to make easy money (by many evangelists), or has degenerated into crude irrationalism (fundamentalist Protestant sects, "cults"), or is simply stagnant (Catholicism, main-line Protestantism)." -- Unabomber ----- "Cheap, intemperate propaganda sometimes achieves impressive short-term gains, but it will be more advantageous in the long run to keep the loyalty of a small number of intelligently committed people than to arouse the passions of an unthinking, fickle mob who will change their attitude as soon as someone comes along with a better propaganda gimmick." -- Unabomber ----- X "Adventure is overrated. When we watch Indiana Jones we rarely notice that adventure is uncomfortable. It hurts. I'm quite happy living in my New England townhouse with my color TV and micowave. I go to work five days a week and get the same paycheck each Friday. Heck, I'm happy just to be able to make fresh toast when I want." -- d.t. king ----- "The scales always balance, what goes around comes around. Bear in mind, though, you might be long dead by the time the books are even." -- d.t. king ----- "On the other side is brother wolf. He's the half remembered dream, the feel of sharp fangs sinking into a jugular and the taste of bright warm life filling my mouth and trickling down my jaws. In honor of his spirit, I baptise my meat in sparkling red ketchup." -- d.t. king ----- "Jeremy knew he was nowhere close to Rambo, and he wondered what the stoic war-veteran would've done against a fat purple dinosaur who smiled a lot." -- Day of the Barney ----- "Eat steel, you slimy green bitch!" -- Fran to Baby Bop. Day of the Barney ----- "We're going to show you some secret stuff. You promise not to tell." -- A General Magic NDA (in its entirety!) ----- "You cannot put the design of the user interface off to later since its design can dramatically change the requirements on the underware." -- Joey Jarosz ----- X "The locking mechanism is only visible outside the triangle in order to satisfy legacy code which does not obey the proper triangle interface... (An exception to this would be intrinsic annotations which change automatically by modifying the circle.)" -- seanT ----- "Be marks a return to that somewhat innocent optimism and excitement that the Mac and Amiga once inspired. Only now, we're a lot more cynical and protective about our enthusiasm, to which Be offers a dirt-cheap piece of hardware that may be more exciting than anything else we own." -- Craig Koller ----- "A large user community of hackers with operating system sources and no social lives are a tremendous asset; just look at Linux." -- Martin Frankel ----- "IMO B5 is to ST as Heinlein is to Anthony." -- Jay Denebeim ----- "We use the PC clone organ bank." -- Joseph Palmer, Be Inc. ----- X "It isn't so much suspending disbelief as it is taking it out and beating it to death with a stick." -- Brian Henderson, on Star Trek ----- "Kosh is really a portable Gas Grill. The "wawa-whump" sound everyone was so curious about is just the jets lighting up. Got any frankfurters?" -- Doug Jenner ----- "[Kosh:] Enigmatic ambulatory fortune cookie" -- James L. Terman ----- "People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives." -- j.m.straczynski ----- "No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." --Yoda on error handling. ----- "Given the trend of the past few years, by the year 2000, the entire dialog of all Trek episodes will be unintelligible: Captain: 'Ensign, flig the phase-induced whafgoblators!' Engineer: 'But Captain, the plasma flow refractulators are gefflomed!' " -- Ken Stuart ----- "Who needs crack? Buy a BeBox!" -- Jon W{tte ----- "In my experience, the most obvious and stupid errors are invisible when you are looking at your own code. But no matter how good you are, and how stupid your buddy is, he will see it right away.)" -- James Kanze ----- "Quality is free - it pays for itself." -- Alan J. Brumbaugh (motorola) ----- "Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer sensory overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees the Magnificent Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle." ----- "Someone said they feel sorry for Londo. I save my sympathy for Garibaldi - his old girlfriend got married and got blew up, Sinclair left the station, that cool groundpounder won't be coming back, Talia is now a bitch, and he's watched a friend who helped him (Londo) turn slowly into a monster (worse to see it happen by inches than in an instant). What's more, no one seems to appreciate his Duck Dodgers poster." -- Selki ----- "I can guaran-fraggin'-tee, though, that obscenities will still revolve around sex, unusual sexual acts, and elimination. I wonder which of the three `fraggin '` refers to - perhaps copulation with a denizen of Fraggle Rock?" -- John Vance ----- "Thank you, but right now we are barely a fly on the giant's butt" -- Jean-Louis Gasse, Be Inc. ----- X "Again, why buy the software that single handedly supports an entire industry of help book writers and lets you get together with friends to talk about what you can't do and how much it crashes? I see little reason to jump on a bandwagon headed for a cliff." -- Maxx Daymon ----- X "Don't think of them as peas, but as larval Pac-Men" ----- "I'd love to see an elite pak'ma'ra commando squad - they REALLY know how to clean up a place," -- Voltayre ----- "Don't forget too that all the snap and speed of Windows NT has something to do with it being written in C." -- Carsten Whimster ----- "(Great joke...when Jesus intervened in the stoning of a woman and said, 'Let you who are without sin cast the first stone,' and suddenly a rock comes flying into frame, and he says, 'Mommmmmmmm!')" -- jms ----- X "Kosh is really a talking kielbasa sausage! Imagine that!" -- John Vance ----- "MFC is not a nice thing, and MicroSoft is not a nice thing. It's a killing combination." -- Bob Uhl ----- "I seem to be a verb" - Buckminster Fuller ----- "Windows is like a Mac in the same way that a transvestite is like a real woman. It's about 95% the same, and some might even prefer it, but not really the same for those who care about small differences." -- John C. Dvorak, quoting his wife ----- 'printf("(singing)\n"); printf("This is the test, the test of the string manager.\n"); printf("This is the song, vchar and vstr.\n"); printf("He tried to kill me with a forklift.\n"); printf("Ole!\n\n");" -- from original vstr test ----- "Interesting phenomenon isn't it? You *think* you're pretty sick, but then you come to alt.tasteless, and realize that you haven't even begun to swim the warm waters of putrescence. You become more and more consciously tasteless, just to have good things to post." -- T. Metzler ----- "I look in the mirror and half the time I see a doofus. The other half of the time I see someone trying desperately not to *be* a doofus." -- jms ----- "You cannot prove the non-existence of something; you can only require proof of the *existence* of something. If I say, 'There are green penguins at the North Pole,' it is not incumbent upon you to prove they're *not* there; however you search I could always say, 'Well, you missed a spot.' The burden of proof is incumbent upon the person making the assertion." -- jms ----- "Babylon 5 makes the intellectual content of Star Trek, particularly Voyager, look like the Cliff's Notes of a first grade reader." -- Scott Benton ----- "To the tune of London Bridge: All my skin is falling off falling off falling off all my skin is falling off its E-bola! All my skin is bubbling off shooting pus spurting blood Diarrhea red as fire it's Ebola." -- unknown ----- "Budget in the red? Let's tax religion" -- Dead Kennedys ----- "Let kids learn communication Instead of schools pushing competition How about more art and theater instead of sports?" -- Dead Kennedys ----- "USE REAL SUGAR USE REAL SUGAR USE REAL SUGAR USE REAL SUGAR" -- Dixie Crystals, 1995 ----- "Yes, and Jeffrey Dahmer never took a hand sandwich to work. And programs don't kill. Programmers do." -- Richard Riehle (AdaWorks) ----- "My objection to the technobabble stories on those other shows is that they regularly pull new particles out of their hats and create whatever properties they want for them every week. The is the "we can send a pulse of _____(name the particles) out and it will _______(reverse time, create new wormholes, make a dangerous cheese sandwich, etc.) and instantly save our butts." -- John Benn ----- "Halloween is the one night out of the year I can offer candy to as many little girls as I please, even right in front of their parents, without anyone giving so much as a second thought to it. I can run around after dark with machetes and chainsaws in hand and not get shot at. Truly a fun holiday for the whole family." -- Wintermute ----- "What the hell *is* that?" -- Chad K. Bisk ----- "I would rather sing Holly Near dirges at candlelight vigils for oppressed farm animals than drink sweet piss. I would rather fuck a woman. I would rather rim Newt Gingrich. I would rather listen to an objectivist debate with a democratic socialist." -- John Hollister ----- "DANGI places headphones on and drifts into a technical stupor to recover from the previous bout of forced intelligence osmosis. After a few minutes, the knocking stops." -- Day of The Hofmann, by Brad ----- "A software engineer's responsibility is to produce a business asset that is going to last many years. If an engineer can't understand someone else's code, it might as well be thrown away and rewritten from scratch. Unfortunatley this happens all too often. Making code readable and maintainable is as important as, or more important than, making it work correctly. If it doesn't work, it can be fixed. If it can't be maintained, it's scrap." -- Taligent ----- "Nobody likes to admit that more people have been sickened, wounded, and slaughtered by cars, trucks, and buses than in all the wars of the twentieth century." -- David Perry ----- "episode #319 -- ``Another Sucky Day for Zeta Squadron.'' Despite Nightwatch disapproval of their seditious lifestyle, Marcus and Franklin reveal their true feelings for each other. Ivanova decides to liven up the training sessions for 'fury pilots. Morden demonstrates his proficiency at polka. John Travolta as Pak'ma'ra ambassador." -- Snorkel Bob ----- "This lopsided edge has nothing to do with quality, because the very best PC is nothing but a poor imitation of the Mac. The PC became dominant only because of disastrous marketing decisions by Apple in the 1980s." -- Mike Royko ----- "Hello. I am Ambassador Delenn, and I not only the president of the Hair Club for Minbari, I am also a client." -- Mark Siefert ----- "5) Never forget that the authors of compilers, run-time systems, operating systems and libraries are often incompetent, sadistic, perverse, legalistic, dogmatic and just plain insane." -- Nick Maclaren ----- "7) When you use or reuse your own code, remember that (5) applies to you, too! A real 'software engineer' knows that his own code is a bug-ridden heap, even after it has been 'fully tested'." -- Nick Maclaren ----- "3. Send large donations, checks, and money orders to the author of the FAQ, or the moderator of the group, whichever you prefer. Then, cross the top question off the FAQ, answer the question at the bottom, and mail it to three people. Within two weeks, you will receive 729 answers to various questions! Do not break the chain; Emily Postnews broke the chain, and now no one listens to her." -- Peter Seebach, from The *other* C FAQ ----- X "When she [Ivanova] tells what she knows, Garibaldi can be seen rolling his eyes up 'innocently,' kind of a 'Who -- me?' look. I think this lends weight to the noogie theory." -- Jonathan Reid ----- "Q: I need a random number generator. A: Count errors in Herbert Schildt's C books. No one has detected any consistent pattern." -- Peter Seebach, from The *other* C FAQ ----- "17.20: My program is crashing, apparently somewhere down inside malloc, but I can't see anything wrong with it. A: Your vendor's library is buggy; complain loudly. Don't send them any example code; they just ask for that so they can steal your trade secrets." -- Peter Seebach, from The *other* C FAQ ----- "See, our conversation's are still circular. They just no longer revolve around Satan, SPAM or well, you remember." -- Sheri Winter ----- "Software in heavy syrup" -- Dangi ----- "For that matter, why the heck should the aliens use metric? For example, the Minbari use base 11, so something in base 10 would be confusing as heck to convert without some calculation device. I wouldn't be surprised if the Centauri use base 6, the Narns something bald, and the Vorlons a set of frequency tones. Metric is not anything natural to them, just another annoyance." -- Nathan Mates ----- "Being athiest myself, this time of year causes some problems for me. I just love decorating a tree with cheap lighting, telling stories about a fat man in a red suit, and giving gifts wrapped in paper. However eventually there is a family gathering and the ultra religious members of the clan decides to save me because this is a *special* time of year." -- Robert Merritt ----- "it's a morality play in space with archetypical characters and plot-driven technology. some episodes have used that fact to great effect to do just what trek is supposed to do - talk about the human condition... and some shows have just sort of floundered around with remodulating the doubletalk device to generate a particleoftheweek beam which naturally induces a jargon field in the sub-space anomoly and saves the ship..." -- Silber Harloe ----- "It's okay to have something cute on the show (kids, bears) as long as something terrible happens to them by the end...." -- jms ----- "The lightbulb you see may not be the lightbulb someone else sees, and though everybody may see something, some do not see the light at all." -- Joseph Lawson ----- "The light is already turned on...it is too late for the filaments to vote..." -- Teresa Lhotka ----- "That's why we rule and all of the other servers suck." -- Doug ----- "Security through Obscenity" ----- "It's like a game of whack-a-port" [1] Done rm -rf *